A Home Of My Own

My son left home on July 7th, thirteen weeks ago.
Day by day, in different parts of the country,
we opened our lives to change.
It's his voice, not his face, that tells me when
he is stressed and unhappy, and when things are
going well.
This week things are going well.
For me too.
My son and I are adjusting to life without the
intimacy of living each day somewhere within the
sphere of the others.
As he grew, I moved from center of his world, to
off center, and later to the periphery.
Now he calls me once a week from Boloxi :)

His life has changed, and so has mine..

My home is going through some changes too.
There are touches of lace where there weren't
any before.
Lace.
Why go girly now?
Because I don't have to be strong anymore.
Not like I felt I needed to be for the past 18
years..while I raised my son alone.
It was a job decently done.
I have no regrets.

Fill Er' Up

Gasing the Ninja up yesterday morning it came as
a surprise that the price of fuel had gone up so
much over night.
And what makes the gas a station already has in
their storage tanks so much more expensive over
night?
I can see if they have to buy it at a higher price
to sell to us, but I think we are taken advantage
of on a regular basis by the oil companies while
they rake in HUGE profits every year.
Glad it wasn't the car I had the nozzle in, or I'd
have had an even bigger shock.
The bike gets over twice the MPG as the Escort and
I count myself quite lucky that both are gas sippers
compared to most wheeled vehicles.

Stayed busy all weekend.
Took practice up at Whitehall Saturday morning and
made some improvements I was very happy with.
A few hours later I attended the Team picnic and that
was fun.
Sunday I met a new riding buddy/friend off an internet
dating site and this one looks to be a keeper.
We headed up to Jim Thorpe, walked around, had lunch,
then rode south to Lake Nockamixion where we took our
boots off and cooled our feet off lake side.
Usually I keep first meetings to a few hours but this
one went easily over 6...

Finding His Way

It was obvious during the short phone conversation
I had with my son late yesterday afternoon, that he
isn't very happy in Tech School right now.
And there isn't a dang thing I can do about it.
For 2 weeks he has had a room to himself, and now he
must share it with a roommate.
"They" failed the latest room inspection, (my son
passed every inspection before this), and so he is
stuck in "Phase One" for another week, which means
the loss of much anticipated privileges.
Away from the head games of BMT, with the taste of
more freedom on his lips, he resents being failed for
what he calls imaginary faults.
And there isn't a dang thing I can do about it..

Company Benefits

Lucky me!
Everyday I get paid to work out.
But few people where I work know about this
perk.
With a 10lb dumb bell in my office,(I brought it
from home), when there are lulls in my day, I do
bicep curls and such.
Today I found a foot high plastic "chute" box,
(a decent sized container that small automotive
parts are shipped to us in), and figured it was
plenty strong enough for me, at 130lbs, to use
as a plyo-box.
Put it upside down on the non-skid carpet in my
office, and volia!, I'm doing plyometric jumps.
Woo! Hoo!
The one small section of clear wall space by my door
has just enough space for me to place both hands on
it at shoulder height, and putting my feet out behind
me so my body is at a 45 degree angle, I can do the
"punches" I learned about during my short stint with
Velocity Sports Performance.
And every time I needed to go up to the second floor
office, which is several times a day, I sprint up as
fast as my arms and legs allow.
Good stuff!
And I get paid to do it :)

Digging It

August 30th I declared it finished!
(if I've counted correctly)
I've made it through peri-menopause, menopause and can now say
that I am no longer a breeder.
And I feel like a 10 yr old again :)
It might not seem a big deal to the guys out there, but then
they haven't had to purchase, use, and dispose of 41 yrs. worth
of sanitary products.
(I have definitely done my part to support the economy..)
Having your period is like getting the flu every four weeks, for
seven days at a shot.
You know it's coming, and you know your going to feel like crap
when it does.
You can count on it.
Like the mailman showing up with a boat load of bills right
before Christmas.
And it can ruin your day.
But not anymore!!
Lol
Though I am thankful to be a woman, and I loved being pregnant
and raising my son, it's a joy to have moved past that part of
things and on to the next stage of my life!

It's Back

Indoor skating practice!
Well, once aweek.
Saturday mornings with the Whitehall team is the only practice
I can get to time wise, but I am delighted to be getting back
to work :)
The Bethlehem portion of the SOS Team, whom I normally train
with, is still working and racing solely outdoors, with several
big races to attend in the coming weeks.
They'll go back in the rink next month.

After Nationals this July, I pretty much gave up skating
in favor of taking a break.
It was the right thing to do.
Oh, I put in 6 miles here, and 9 miles there, but my heart
wasn't engaged.
Taking a brief pause from serious training helps keep things
from turning into a grind.
At least it does for me.
And somehow, I dropped a jean size in that time frame...
:)
How?
Without my son living at home, I'm no longer buying Oreos,
or half gallon containers of mint chocolate chip ice cream..
lol!

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

My son graduated Air Force BMT two weeks ago and stood proud
in Flight 529 of Training Squadron 326, the "Bulldogs".
(in this BMT group there were twelve "flights" of approx. 48
young men or women from 3-4 different squadrons).
His received not only the title of "Honor Flight" but they were
also awarded special streamers to carry on their guidon during
that Saturdays graduation ceremony.
One each for Academic, Fitness and Drill excellence.
A rare achievement for any single training flight..

It was so good to see him after almost 7 weeks!
And yes he had changed, and thoroughly embraced the Air Force
way of life, which is as it should be.
Ensconced in the Tech School "pipeline" for the next 4 months
at Keesler AFB in MS, he was disappointed that the start of
classes had to be postponed for a week due to hurricane Gustuv
rolling through.
Keesler literally sits right on the Gulf and is the Air Forces
largest joint training facility.
Now that he can use his cell phone again, I've recieved a few
calls, but his life has changed and I will never play the role
in it that I did a short few months ago.

So goes the way of raising children into men and women.

Nationals 2008 Part #1

I went, I raced, I cheered my team mates on, and I achieved 96%
of the goals I'd set before leaving for Lincoln, Nebraska and
the 2008 Indoor Speed Skating Nationals held at Pershing Center.
Unlike last year, I didn't fall once!
And there was even some bumping going in a few corners when three
or four of us wanted to be in the same spot at once.
Lots of women fell in front of me, and even one behind me,(she
was unconscious for a good 5 minutes), but none of them caused
me to lose my balance.
Thrice, unfortunately, I swung too wide after passing around the
obstacle in my path, and couldn't get my legs working as soon as
I'd wish to get back on the track quicker, but live and learn,
I was on my feet and still racing!
The goal of staying closer to the cones was the one I didn't get
100% of the time, but still, it was a big improvement over last
year.
Nerves played a hand in my 1000m...simply put,I didn't skate to
my potential.
Having diverted my focus from self appointed internal goals, to
an external one, I lost before the gun went off..
Another live and learn moment.

Ready... Set... Go!

He's been sorting.
Sending a few things up to the attic, and many odds and
ends out the back door into the garbage.
His closet has had a once over, with a handful of items
going to the Thrift Store.
But most of his clothes still reside on the various hangers
they call home.
He's even cleaned out, and vacuumed, under his bed!
The haven of who knows what, including used dryer sheets,
and massive experimental dust bunny colonies.
(Is there alien life on a dust bunny ?)
His one carry on bag is packed lightly.
Just encase his Flights TI likes to play "pick'em up put'em
down".
Everything inside is plain, selected with care so nothing he
wears will call attention to himself.
TI's love it when you stand out..
He's spent the last two weeks going out every night with
friends, saying goodbye.
Sometimes to the wee hours.
That was new.
Five hours from now we both move forward into new ways of
living our lives.
Still mother and son, but different.
We are ready.

Passages

Some are easier than others.
They come and go, marked by candles and celebration,
or tears and grief.
But you step into them, ready or not.

My son and I are both ready now. And excited at the
big changes coming into his life.
I am very proud of his decision to join the Air Force,
and that he stayed the course over this past year in
the Delayed Entry Program.

One of our dogs became sick really yesterday while I
was at work.
Racing home after I received the call, he passed
before I got there.
My son on his own accord, gathered shovel, pick and
post hole digger and went out in our backyard to dig
Mr. Tubbs a grave.
And it was a nice one, with squared edges and sides.
Sweating in the afternoon heat, long legs knee deep
in the ground, dirt coloring his ankles, I saw clearly
the man inside the boy.

Our relationship changes even now.

Life is good.
With it's comings and goings.
And I ride the swells life brings to me..

Turnabout

What goes down must come up.
I reminded my self of that little saying last week
when I was feeling low.
Didn't work any magic then.
There are the times when words can turn your mind
around, and set you up on a different track.
And there are times when you just have to live in a
uncomfortable place for the time being.
Kicking and screaming doesn't change your situation.
No matter how much energy you put into it.
It was my turn at the bottom of the wheel the past 10
day, and the only way out, was to wait it out.
Not good for me or the people around me, but it's the
way I am wired.
God didn't want this model to be able to hide behind
a false smile, so if I'm feeling it, there it is, in
plan view, for the world to see.
For better or worse.
It can be bad..
There is no hiding behind a social mask.
I don't own one.
Man, there have been so many times when I wished with
all my heart that I could paste a look on..
Often the best I can do to rein things in, is walk away.
How often I have used that tactic...

Well, the good thing is the worst is over.
I have mourned the passing of a way of life, like a
death in the family.
It wasn't pretty, real grief isn't made for TV.

Time to appreciate that life's wheel is always turning,
and for now I'm on the up swing.

Debris

A Hurricane, tornado, or major life event can blow
through the portion of the world that you call home,
rip your ordered life up by the roots, and scatter
tattered pieces of it over so many miles that you
can't find any parts you recognize.
You are left to start over.
Made to re-build from the ground up.

I used to enjoy starting over when I was younger,
but age is having it's way with me in more ways then
one and I don't have the taste for it that I used to.

There is something positive about major change though.
It can wake you up, from the unintentional walking
slumber we sometimes slip into, when life flows along
peace-fully...for too long.

Happy vs Un

The scale that balances the two is leaning
heavily on the "Un" side of things..
My life is un-raveling.
Deep changes are taking place and I'm not at
all happy about most of them.
With my son cleaning his room and packing the
items of his youth away, I feel unprepared to
face the silence that will soon fill the spaces
that he does now, and has for the past 18+ years.
Spaces so wonderfully filled with his laughter,
stories, questions and observations on life..
...

Juiceless

With no gas in my legs, practice last night was
an almost total washout.
My body would not, could not, function.
It's been awhile since my legs burned and fatigued
so completely, so early on, and between that and the
lousy practice the night before, I can only conclude
that I coming down with a bug.
Before I even got in the car I thought staying home
was a better idea, but this close to Nationals I don't
like taking time off.
My mind is a gutter ball this week and all I know how
to do is wait for it to roll out and on to higher ground.

Bah Humbug

Illogical.
That word best describes the manner in which my
brain functions sometimes.
Thoughts looping back on themselves, as if on
constant rewind, feeling like I'm stuck in a box
that no amount of punching will break me out
of.
Like last night during practice.
It was meant to be very brief. Our first of that
sort before Nationals.
Only a five minute warm up, a short sprint drill,
and a 5 minute cool down.
Then go home.
From the get go I was a loser.
My bodies systems need more time, and a slower start
pace to wake up to the work I am going to ask them
to do.
But last night wasn't about anything doing with
slow.
So, I was left in the dust.
As it should be.
Because my team mates have no problem with starting
out fast, going fast, and ending fast.
And that's the rub.
Fast.
Simply put, I am not in their league.
So what do I do about that?
Work harder so I can be like them?
At 52 and with no talent to be seen?
Unlikely to happen..
So how do I make my pride not take offense at the
weakness of my body?
.....

Nationals

My 2008 vacation will once again be wrapped around
Indoor Speed Skating Nationals.
This year held in Lincoln Nebraska.
For me this means, early mornings, late nights, too
little sleep, and being inside more than I am out.
Last year, my first participating in such a high level
event, I learned a lot about how my body responds to
stress.
And it wasn't pretty.
Nor was crashing into a wall, getting up totally dis-
orientated, and falling down again as soon as I stood
up..
Oh, what a Bozo show it was.
:O
If I can live that down, and move on, I can overcome
any embarrassing moment life has up it's sleeve.
And that anxiety attack I had on the last day?
Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Right?
If it happens again, at least I'll know what it is,
and that I can live trough it and still get on the
line when the time comes.

So.
Why do I put myself through the pressure racing
brings with it ????
Like my Coach has said, it's not like I am trying to
make it onto the World Team.
LOL!
(Heck, I'm not even fast enough to have anyone to race
a 10k with..
It's why I gave up outdoors.
I had no desire to be the old, slow loser woman still
out on the track when everyone else was finished.
It just wasn't worth the physical pain involved.)

Perhaps I still race indoors because I don't want to
be a lazy sod.
Indoors is sprint racing.
And I still like it.
When the gun goes off I'm doing five, seven or ten
laps of a 100m track.
Physiologically, my mind, dim as it can be now, sees
a mere 4 seconds between my best lap time and those
of the best athletes in the world, on the same track.
I allow myself to hold onto that, even though those
four seconds are in fact light years apart from each
other.
The difference is staggering.
Still I like the challenge racing affords me.
I like learning.
Even if I am slow at it.

This year I have rented an RV at a campground 4 miles
from Perishing Center to stay in instead of a skater
packed hotel.
Several families from our team are staying there and
it will be nice to be able get outside more and hang
out together.
Last year there were four of us sharing a room. This
year I'll either have one RV mate or have it all to
myself.
My hope is to sleep better.
I'm also going to Nationals more to be a good team
mate and for fun this year than for anything else.
So the weight that comes with expectations isn't as
heavy as it was in 2007.
I've come to realize this past training year, that
no one expects much out of me.
All I have to do is show up and skate.
If something good happens, that's great, but all the
serious expectation stuff is reserved for the young
upcoming skaters, not for the half century and above
crowd.

Sorting

Two weeks till my sons ship date and the "Big Clean"
is in progress.
He won't be coming home again until the end of November
and if he is lucky, it will be for two or three weeks.
Perhaps, so we've been told, he won't get to come home
at all.
It all depends on the needs of the Air Force, timing,
and where his first duty station will be.
So, I'm having him clean his room.
Usually, a once a year affair since I stopped doing it
years ago.
Teen aged privacy and all that.
This time he needs to go through his clothes. What to
keep, what goes to the thrift store, what goes in the
trash etc.

Like a tsunami, the change happening in both our lives
is a wave I can not stop.
And it will have it's way with us, sweeping aside what
we have known, moving us from where we are, to someplace
else.
So I'm getting a jump on it.
And doing my own "Big Clean".
What do I need to keep?
What do I want to keep?
What can I let go of?
What can I sell on Ebay?
LOL
Doing a quick tour, it became apparent that I'm am not a
person that hordes much extra stuff.
And nothing of monetary value..
Ebay won't be seeing much more from me than my dear bike.
I'm going to miss her..

Transitions

The clock is ticking for my son to leave
and in each our own way we are preparing
for his ship date.
I think he is getting a bit nervous.
Me too.

Money is tighter than I ever remember it
being and that is stressing me out way
above my comfort level.
Used to cutting things close, I've run out
of bandaids for being cash strapped and am
now just bleeding freely.
So... I'm doing what others in my situation
have done, and are doing now in this economy.
I'm trying to sell stuff to make ends meet.
Including my Litespeed Titanium road bike.
Yes, Flo Jo is on Ebay. And while I will
greatly miss owning her, and riding her, the
fact is, she is one of the few things I own
that would have value to someone else.
I'll be lucky to get half of what I paid for
her..and that is a big ouch.

Things I'm doing to cut back:
Moved my bed downstairs so I only have to
AC the first floor.
Commute on the Ninja several days a week.
Only drink coffee at work where both it and
Half and Half are free.
Eat cereal for lunch, at work 5 days a week
because milk there is free.
Cut my own hair.
OK.
Confession.
I already do that.
And I stopped coloring it to save on money
years ago.
Other stuff.
Break small sized Meaty Bones in half for my
dogs which they get for treats and they go
twice as far.
And instead of buying canned dog food to
sweeten the dry I feed them, I mix in a tiny
bit of the canned cat food I have to get for
our old cat that has bad teeth.
They don't seem to mind.
LOL
I no longer feed the birds.
And went so far as to take my feeders down.
Now that doesn't sound like much does it?
But I've been feeding birds in my backyard,
through thick and thin for all of my adult
life.
Not doing so saves $30.- a month..
So they are on their own.
Lucky me, my son only eats certain items, which
I buy.
I'm eating a lot of cheese sandwiches..and am
thankful when I have Bologna to go on them.
Compared to many around the world, I am lucky,
and I know it.
Still, it's an odd, uncomfortable place to be
and I look forward to healthier financial times.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

Bank display read 85 degrees at 7:15am yesterday on
the way to work, and 99 on the way home.
Temps have been brutal!
We only have AC down stairs so my son and I have been
sleeping on the first floor and thankful for it.

Sunday morning I meet up with a new motorcycle "friend"
for the first time and it was one of those instances
where things were comfortable from the get go.
As is usual for me when I ride, and in spite of the heat,
I was fully geared up.
Perforated leather jacket with amour, full face helmet,
gloves, jeans and heavy work boots.
Two hours later my jacket was strapped down on the back
of his Harley and I rode the rest of the afternoon with
just a sleeveless "T" shirt on.
It was so much cooler!
In that extreme heat I was willing to gamble that I would
not go down..
Lucky me I only had one slight "oh, oh.." moment.
That was turning left up a narrow road on a steep hill,
from a stop on a steep hill, with a ditch too close for
comfort right in front of me on the opposite side of the
road.
Pulling it off I exhaled with a big sigh of relief, and
the rest of the day went smoothly.

Did I say we stopped at a vineyard along the river and
did some wine tasting?
Nine different bottles?
No?
(OK,I only had the tiniest bit of each one..lol_)
Let's see...
No jacket, wine tasting and riding a motorcycle..
Or that after the wine thing a girlfriend who also rides
called and wanted to know if I wanted to ride with her
and 2 guy friends?
Well I was already riding with a guy, but he was game so
back up river we rode, meet them and headed out for another
2 hours.
By this time I was getting sunburned, so when we stopped
at the bar, (did I say bar?), I was thankful to be in AC
again.
My drink of choice was plain coke.
I only had to take a little ribbing for that..
Just because I ride a bike, doesn't mean I'm a biker chick.
Does it?
LOL

Milestones

First smile, first steps, first words.
Those were the milestones I so eagerly celebrated,
my heart dancing with pleasure as untold mother's
before me had.
Tied to every parent, world wide, by the process
of childhood.
My experience was special.
It was unique.
Because this was my boy, my child.
My one and only.
Miracle of miracles.
Unexpected joy of my days..
Bright moon in my night sky.

The best thing I have ever done in my life
has been to be mother to my son.
He has been the center post of my life since
the moment I first knew he was within.
The hinge around which everything afterward
moved.
My body his haven, keeping him safe, nourishing
him, I breathed for both of us, until he could
do it on his own.

Watching him move beyond my own boundary,
knowing he is ready to walk further into the
world, this one of his own weaving, is bittersweet..

My son graduated High School Friday night, with
his friends and peers..
It was the last milestone of his life that I will
ever be so intimately involved with..

Time moves us forward , ready or not.
Thankfully, he is ready for the next step.
And for that I am unspeakably proud.

Tradeoffs

Yesterday I followed through with a trade off I'd
only recently made, and traded outdoor skating and
racing for cycling.
Though I started out almost five years ago as a
outdoor fitness skater,and have enjoyed countless
hours training with my team, I never found pleasure
in the actual part of racing outdoors itself..
Longer distances on skates are tough for me.
They're not a piece of cake for anybody in fact.
For me they hurt bad.
Mind numbingly bad.
At this point in time, it is more pain than I am
willing to embrace with happy thoughts.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I have never
been, and at this stage doubt I will ever be,
athletically gifted.
Yet I've participated in many types of sport
throughout my life, and I don't plan on stopping
that now.
Since I've never excelled, (well I was a decent
enough swimmer),I've had to find meaning racing
a race, among large groups of other athletes, by
myself.
Because I'm slow.
Speed is not my forte.
Nor, I've found, at this point, is suffering.
I can grasp working hard, but suffering for pleasure
is not in me.
Part of me wishes that was different..
Part of me, wishes I were different than I am..
In my heart there is nothing but admiration for
those who race outdoors.
Those who suffer for it.
They simply rock!
But it isn't for me anymore..

Careful Out There

Sunday I rode over to Trexlertown for the first time on
my bike to meet up with another Ninja 250 rider, John J.
We spent a few hours riding around the Allentown area and
I got to experience my first highway type on and off ramps,
crossed a lot of railroad tracks, and in general rode in
more traffic than I am accustomed to.
It went very well.
I always felt in control of my bike and the only time I
got nervous was when the wind literally blew me across
the open road a few feet at a time.
Spooky!
Yesterday afternoon John emailed to tell me he'd been on
his way back to work from lunch, stopped at a light,and a
woman in an F250 rear ended him, catapulting him over his
Ninjas handle bars.
Looks like the bike is totaled.
He was wearing a helmet, but no jacket because is was hot,
and he was only going to be out for a bit.
Thankfully he escaped serious injury with only scrapes from
knee to ankle down one leg, and a badly wrenched shoulder.
Lady said she never saw him..

Wheels

My son,who up to last night, has shown absolutely
no interest in learning how to drive, has decided
that he wants to get his license before he leaves
for Basic July 7th.
Sooooo....last night he and I went over to Lehigh
and used a portion of their huge Stabler parking
lot as step one in the learning process.
How to start the car, brake, and shift into 1st.
Yes folks, I have a 5 speed.
He didn't grind gears and within 15 minutes was
starting, stopping (without giving us whiplash),
and driving slowly around in a large circle
:) :)
Now, if he can just remember to keep his hands on
the steering wheel at all times...

Knock, Knock

Who's there?
Certainly not a lot of speed skaters..
Small showing at this afternoons practice.
One fast kid, me, (the token woman), and seven
really fast guys.
Made for an interesting warm up..
Six weeks to Nationals and everyone has better
things to do with their time?
LOL

Pain

There's all kinds.
Physical.
Mental.
Emotional.
Financial.
Spiritual.
Even gas pump pain..

There's minimal pain.
Moderate pain.
Extreme pain.
Off the charts pain.
The pain of childbirth.
And the pain of a broken heart..

I've even read blogs that mention the pain "cave".
A place filled with lactic acid that you willing
climb into for excruciating long periods of time.
I can admire that, from far away.
But climbing in there myself?
Let me ponder that one...

You can never feel someone else's pain, no matter
how hard you try, or, how much you love them.
You can only sympathize, empathize, or, guess at it.
Because pain is a very individual thing.
Some of us do better with it than others.
We do better with one type, but not another.
I guess we are all wired a little differently..

Some of us are willing to suffer for a reason.
Wars have been won because of this.
Battles fought.
Countries born, and broken apart.
Mountains climbed.
Vows kept.
Medals won.

Some people look for pain.
The pieces of their lives made out of it.
Wrapped around them like a coat they are loathe
to shed.
It's what they've become accustomed to.
Having been awash in it for so long..
Life hurts, but it's a hurt they know.
Not hurting is what is really scary.
They can't comprehend being painless.

Once, before the digits of my age turned from
single to double, my life was like that.
Pain filled.
It was all I knew.
The "happy" I longed for, and saw in other families,
well, that's what was scary.
Happy couldn't be trusted.
But pain could.
It was always there.

Then one day, I made a conscious decision.
Either I was going to allow pain to engulf me,
and end my life..or I could fight it.
I didn't differentiate in that moment, between
one type of pain or the other.
I chose to fight, to resist, it all.
And I walked away and into another life.
It wasn't a perfect decision.
I was only 14.

Perspective

What I think is going on, often is not.
What I see, is often seen by others, standing at
another angle, in a totally different light.
What I feel, and interpret one way, often changes
with their insight.
And that changes everything..

Four Day

Memorial Day weekend was utterly gorgeous!
I'd planned it as a 4 day "staycation" by taking
Friday off, and by mid-morning I'd stepped out of
work mode with an inner sigh of pleasure.
"I needed this.."
Working outside in the flower beds, moving this
plant over there, and that one over here, edging,
weeding, enjoying the plentiful sunshine, was a
balm to my soul and added balance to my oft times
lop sided life.

Saturday the alarm went off at 4:20am, and I set
to doing my part of the prep work for the Food
Tent I'd be working with other volunteer teammates
at the first Eastern Seaboard Series race of the
season.
Organized by our own SOS coach, Bob Albanese, it's
been blessed each year with bright blue skies and
loads of happy skaters, some driving in from as far
away as Canada.
Things started off pretty slowly for us but picked
up once the grill got going and the enticing aroma
of the free hamburgers and hot dogs we'd be handing
out spilled over into the May air.
Then it was non stop action!
By 2m we were packing it up and I realized I was
quite tired, but in a satisfying way.
One race down, four to go :)

COUNTDOWN:

Seven weeks.
Seven weeks till my son leaves for Basic training
at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.
Seven weeks till his life, and mine, gets re-arranged
and changes irrevocably.

Seven weeks till Indoor Speedskating Nationals in
Omaha, which I am attending on the absolute cheap.
I am fortunate to be going at all, and have lucked
into two great relays.
One, the Veteran 2 Mix with my very own coach.
He's training and racing again after a long recovery
from knee surgery, which he had to have after a hard
fall at Regionals last year.
Then there is the Master 4 Mix, which is one of the
hottest contested relays at Nationals.
I'll be the slowest one in the group but I'm sorta an
"upgrade" for the gal who had the spot originally.
She hurt her ankle a few weeks ago and stepped down.
Sorry she got hurt, but I'm happy to be able to replace
her, and to have another opportunity to race.

Talent

When I think of talent, I think about people who have a
knack for something.
It's not that what they do is effortless, but there's a flow,
an instinctual understanding of the "doing", and no complex
thought process is involved in the action.

Earlier this week I uncovered a talent.
One that has nothing to do with being physically adept.
Because being physically adept, is not my forte.
As we know, I struggle with skating most of the time.
There is no natural flow there for me.
But I often enjoy the challenge of it just the same.

Anyway, the talent I'm writing about is something most
people who know me, at work, or outside of work, would
never ever guess I had.
Because there is no hint of it in those venues.

My talent, (remember, "truth is stranger than fiction"),
that place where I naturally rise to the occasion, where
struggle is not even in the same room with me, is giving
a presentation to a room full of people, on something I
am passionate about.
What gives most humans shaky knees, and wet arm pits,
flows for me.
Standing at the podium, with the microphone on, I briefly
look down at my typed reference pages, then out to the
space in front of me.
I open my mouth and heart at the same time, and it flows.
Addressing a room full of people, comes naturally for me.
If my heart is in it..

Three plus years ago, my company required us to take a
Dale Carnegie course.
It lasted a few weeks and my current boss and I ended up
in the same nightly class.
One of the things Dale C. has you do, a lot, is stand up in
front of your classmates and talk about stuff.
It can be pretty nerve wracking, and I was nervous, just
like everyone else.
When it was my turn to walk up to the front of the room,
I thought I would freeze up, I thought I would choke.
But I didn't.
Instead I opened up..

My boss reminded me of that when I told him about my speech
Tuesday evening to that group of Foster parents.
He told me he'd been, well, frankly amazed, when he listened
to me, in front of him, during our time in the Dale C. course.
"I had no idea you could do that"
"Do what?"
"Engage peoples interest, draw them in."
"You have a way, when you speak like that, of making people
lean forward."
"I do?"
"You have an honesty, that connects us to you, that makes us
believe."
"I do?"
"Yes, you do."
" ..........."
"But no one I've ever told here in the Company, about your
speaking ability, those who weren't there in that room with
you, none of those people can imagine you having a gift like
that."

Discovering a talent, even if it only comes out once in a blue
moon, is kinda cool.

What You See

Pictures never lie.
I mean really.
The camera just can't make stuff up like my brain
has a tendency to do.

My brain likes me :)
Few cameras do :(

Photogenic?
Nah.

So, I wasn't exactly ecstatic yesterday when I first
saw those pictures, floating out in cyber land, of my
racing this past weekend.
Particularly the first one.
It captured me in a moment going around a cone.

Oh..
My..
God.
Is..
that..
what I look like....?

OK.

I don't skate pretty.
I...... skate funky..
I don't race pretty either.

But I skate, and I race.
And that's a good thing.

Is That It?

After tracking my Doctor down, though he'd promised
he'd call within 24 hours after I went to him last
Wednesday, concerned about how painful my right knee
still was,I learned I have a bone "contusion" on the
lateral tibial plateau of my right leg.
All he told me was the contusion part, I found the
other info on the Internet.
To get even that small tidbit of information from him,
I felt like I was holding him up at gun point demanding
his wallet and car keys.
Early Monday morning I'd finally called the office to get
some information and was told they'd get back to me.
An office girl called later that afternoon to say this,
"Your x-rays are negative".
That was it.
A statement, nothing else.
OK, nothings broken, I'd assumed that.
But why does my knee hurt so bad?
What's wrong with it?
What should I do, how should I proceed?
How long will it take to fully heal?
Nothing.
So I asked to speak to my Doctor.
Hours later he called.
"Your x-rays were negative".
That was all he said.
Me, "Then why does my knee hurt?"
"You were very pain specific in that area on examination,
you have a contusion".
That was it.
No explanation given.
Me, "a bruise?"
A regular bruise?
I went to the Doctor, for a freaking bruise?
Do you know how many bruises I get skating?
And they do not hurt like my knee does.
Him, "Well, you bruised the actual bone itself".
No further explanation.
No what to do now, or how long it will take to heal.
Does he charge for each word he speaks?

One For The Books

We were very fortunate to have Regionals in our neck
of the woods this year.
So close to me in fact, that I slept in my own comfy
bed each night.
Very cool!
As seems to be the norm, my first two Standard races
were not my best.
The first, was a 700m, but I went to the line thinking
it was my 500m.
A dumb mistake on my part.
Live and learn.
Read the program.
LOL
Funny, I've always told myself that I like the shorter
races, but I felt the 1000m ended up being my better
effort.
Simply, I think, because I was more relaxed.
By the time it came around the adrenaline and nerviness
of the earlier races had worn itself out, so I was
feeling tired and sleepy.
Which I'm learning is a good thing.

Sunday was relay day. and first up was Classic 2 Lady
with my Team mate Jenn.
Since Jenn wasn't going to Nationals, we were only
doing it for fun and experience.
It wasn't total perfection, but we both raced very well.
The two glitches I know of are easy fixes.
Focused, I crossed in, stepped the ends and crossed out.
We had thought we'd come in third but we placed a well
earned second and we were both quite happy with that.
Jenn was so happy that she's made the commitment to go
to Nationals this year after all!
Out coaches, watching from the end of the floor were
happy too and it's always a super thing to see those
smiles and hear praise you know is real.
Makes all the hard work mean something, and it feels
very good..
Last relay for me was Master 4 Mix.
Two women and two men, 5 laps each and your done.
Ladies go first.
I was a fill in for a spot vacated by an injured gal
and would be the slowest person on the floor.
My partners were all people I knew, and some of the
fastest master skaters in our region.
Including a multiple National Champion.
The other teams were made up of fast skaters too,
some, very, very, fast.
Thankfully I wasn't very nervous standing in the box,
waiting for my turn to go out, as I counted Tami's
laps.
She was in the lead and we got the first tag.
But after the corner, I was literally thinking "behind"
me, instead of being focused forward.
My mind was concerned about who was coming up to pass,
and for two laps I lost focus.
It showed.
Up to that point I'd been doing a good job of staying
closer to the cones, something I've been working on at
practice, but I let myself be distracted.
That's where my nerviness came out.
It wasn't a total disaster, and I came out of the fog I
was in eventually, but I know I could have done better.
Another live, learn and move on.
Nationals is going to be a blast and I'm really looking
forward to training hard over the next two months!

Regionals

Our pre-National event is this weekend and I have
only a few things I want to focus on.
Head forward, get low, and have fun!
Now is the time to trust my training, remember I'm
not trying to make it onto the world Team, and to
enjoy my friends.
My position is uncontested so I'm a shoe in to win.
LOL
Still, I hope to race well and I'm looking to take a
few seconds off my lap times from last year.
My knee is fully functional, and though I'm annoyed
that my Doctor did not call like he promised he would,
with the results of Wednesdays x-rays, I assume that
is good news.
I know I have bones like iron,they just don't break.
Personally I'm thinking it's a bruise on the top lateral
part of my right tibia, or something to do with cartilage,
maybe a hairline fracture.
None of with would show up on x-rays.
All I know is that is hurts tremendously, with a
capital "T" if I touch with anything heavier than a
feather.
Yesterday there was some odd cracking and shifting,
and on and off irritation going downstairs, but don't
touch it and I'm OK.
Practice last night was light and fun.
There was only one section were I felt worried, but
it passed. and I'm thankful that the worst of my after
crash trauma is over.

Keep On Rolling On

It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst.
Last night I hadn't planned on doing anything
more than putting my boots on and going slowly
around the floor.
And it's how things started.
There was no immediate comfort level when I
laced my boots on and stood up.
Only discomfort.
Unease.
Off balance, everything happening between the
eight wheels strapped to my feet and the floor
radiated up to my head like flash lightening.

"Danger!! Danger!!! Will! Penny! back to the ship!!!

I was hyper aware to every sensation.
Each one warning the cells in my body of imminent
disaster.
Unsettling me, just like I'd been on Saturday at
Whitehall..

But it was my home floor, and I was determined
to get past the rough patch I was in.
So I joined the pace line.
But when the speed picked up to a fast sprint,
I wasn't ready yet.
I was still afraid.
So I joined the pack when I could and got off
when I needed to.
An hour passed.
Little by little the hyper sensitivity faded.
Eventually I was training again.
It wasn't great, but the worst had passed.
Now I can move on.

Hanging It Up

If you took a vote among the people I work with
everyday, the winner of the "should she still keep
skating or quit" question, quit would come out on
top.
Friday morning I heard the story about when and
why my boss finally hung up his ice hockey skates.
(a game he'd played since youth and dearly loved),
About injuries and responsibilities and the aging
body.
I'd asked for his opinion since he is a respected
Coach of several baseball and basketball youth
Teams.
"You'll find something else to do", was he reply
to my statement, "But skating is a big part of my
life. It's what I do".
Battered inside and outside, I'm a bit spooked.
And that spooked part showed up in spades at
our Team practice today, uninvited,unwelcome.
It held me hostage.
I know skaters fall and break wrists and ankles,
shatter leg bones, chip fragments off their hips
and worse, and that 99% of them begin training and
racing as soon as possible.
I know.
And I didn't bled or even need stitches.
Yet three days ago I had a clear picture of who I was
as a skater, but now, feeling depressed and nauseous,
I just don't.

Nerve

It seemed to take longer than usual to get up after
falling last night.
Sprinting, just like I was doing when I took a hard
one Tuesday. This time I just had to lay there, face
down on the floor.
Couldn't begin to think of getting up..it wasn't in
the cards.
The right side of my head had hit first, SMACK!, a
sound that filled my ears, then down came my right
shoulder and arm, the one that still ached from
Tuesday, and then the outside of that knee.

Something funky is going on with my left foot when I
sprint. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, all I
know is that it causes painful singular wrecks.
Thankfully all those Arnold's I do have paid off with
a bit of muscle on the lateral part of my shoulder, it
protected the bone a bit.
Too bad my knee doesn't have any.
Could hardly walk down the stairs when I got home..
Oh well.
Time heals all wounds they say.

Will it heal the one in my head?
After this fall I didn't feel the same as I did Tuesday.
Tuesday, I'd struggled to get up and finish my laps.
Because you need to finish your race!
Besides, I'd felt a bit pissed about crashing so hard.
Last night, knowing this was a repeat incident, I felt
scared, and afraid. Afriad that it is going to happen
again next time I sprint..and the time after that.
There was the distinct feeling that I didn't want to
skate anymore, period.
So my heart wasn't in the remainder of practice..

We have a full Team practice tomorrow, because Regionals
is right around the corner, it will be a hard one, we will
be sprinting a lot, and the coaches will expect me to go as
hard as I can..
Wish there was more time in between now and then..
I don't think I want to go..

Crash! Bang! Boom!

Focused forward when it was my turn to catch the
pack during a drill at last nights practice, one
second I was flying around the track and then I
was flying out into a full body slam onto the hard
wood floor.
Not sure what shocked my system more.
The immediate pain, or the fact I fell at all.
First impact point was low on the left hip and
next was right below my elbow on my right arm.
Man o' man but that hurt enough that I couldn't
see.
No birdies flying around my head, no stars, just
a black blank screen.
Wondered for a few seconds if I'd broken my arm,
and couldn't stop groaning..that's how much it hurt.
It's the same place, doing the same thing, were I
fell and separated my right shoulder two years ago
and the same place doing the same thing where I
crashed into the door the year afterwards.
On all occasions I was really putting effort into
what I was doing.
Must be dropping my right toe..
For the first time I have floor burn in a place no
man or woman should, so I can't show it to anybody..
LOL
Ouch!

What I Love

There are a lot of things I love in life.
They are in innumerable.
Really.
And sport is one of them.
Take your pick of many.
My focus now is inline speed skating.
Not because I always dreamed of doing it,
or of being on an Olympic team or anything.
Oh wait.
I did want to be on the Olympic Ski Jump Team,
and the Luge Team, and the Bob Sled Team..
Never mind..
But Speed skating?
No, I stumbled into that one,
The reality is I've made loads of progress since
I first put on a pair of fitness boots.
I've grown in the sport and as a person.
The things that I struggled with in the very
beginning, I'm still working on, physically
and emotionally.
Sport is where I find myself.
It isn't always pretty, or nice.
It's often raw and unattractive.
Inline speed skating challenges me in a manner
no other thing in my life does.
Yet I always go back to it, even when I want to
throw in the towel.
It must be love...

Quitter

It's still ringing in my ears from practice
yesterday morning.
Ouch!
If the shoe fits...
I am a quitter.
At least according to yesterdays consensus.
Jeez, but it's frustrating when I don't perform
like the majority.
It's where I stand exposed before my team.
And it bites the big one.
But who wants to sit with people who just spent
20 minutes on the floor calling you, and people
like you, quitters?
Yet they mean well.
It's an act of encouragement on their part.

Quitter.
It's like being cursed at.
It's like being called a loser, without using
the word, "loser".
Yeah, I already now.
They don't need to remind me when I'm struggling
to stay in, that my efforts aren't measuring up.
Do they think I am stupid along with being slow?
I know, believe me.
Take your pick.
Quitter, loser, loser, quitter.
Struggling to stay in is a testament to my quitting
attitude.
But, you never know... calling me out on it might
trigger the hidden reserve I've been holding back.
That's it!
Holding back..
Crack!
I've been illuminated!
Gosh darn it..I've been holding back all this time
and never knew..

New Neighbor

It was going to happen..
The attached house next door was going to
be sold and someone was going to move in.
After months and months of it sitting empty,
and blissfully quiet, the page has turned
and we have a new resident, and the noise
that comes with them.
Bad me, but I was keeping my fingers crossed
that we wouldn't get a family with several
small kids, and we didn't :)
We got a 20 something single guy who works
for an area guitar manufacturer and likes to
play rock and roll..
LOL

Scary

The price of the natural gas that I use to heat
my small house.
The price of oil that is turned into gasoline to
fuel my small car.
And I thank God that I have a house just less than
1000 square feet and a two door economy vehicle.
Thank God I didn't go for "bigger is better".
And I thank God for the little motorcycle I will
be using to get back and forth to work this summer!

I'm really feeling the pinch.
Which feels more like a punch..

The price of food is going up and it's beginning
to look good that my son will be in the Air Force
in two months..

Focus

Now that I'm going to Nationals, come hell or
high water, I'm just pleased as all get out!
There's a reason to train hard, to focus on
the points I wanted to improve after last year,
and to get down to it and make it all happen.
It's not that I expect to win, or even place,
but I do know I have improved and I know I can
race better this year than I did last year.
Isn't that what it's all about?
Re-reading the training journal I was keeping
leading up to and during Nationals 2007, I
found it interesting to see where my head was
at, and my viewpoint at the time.
Interesting to read about what went down that
Friday morning, the last day of Nationals.
The day I was to race what I viewed as my most
important race, and how I dealt with the anxiety
attack that seemed to come out of no where.

I was running on empty.
While we were in Omaha, I "might" have gotten
3 or 4 hours of sleep each night.
And I wonder now, if I'd had more rest, would
my body have folded in the same way?
The pressure, the excitement, the long days,
the lack of sleep, well, they all added up and
I crashed, and crashed good.
But, I also pulled it together in the end.
And I'm not really certain I would have skated
any better in that last race if I hadn't had a
melt down.
I simply did the best I could at the time, and
it had to be enough, because it's all I had to
give.
In retrospect, I did personally win.
Because I didn't quit.
When I didn't think I could go on..I did.

Is that what my life is all about..
Going on when I don't think I have anymore go?

So now I find it quite interesting that last
night at practice, with quite a small group
and a fill in coach, while T-stopping as I
turned to re-enter the relay box, for my 2nd
to last relay, I pulled my lower back muscles.
I could actually feel the fibers release and
separate as it happened.
Not the first time it's ever happened..
Weird, the last time I had serious back issues
was about this time last year.
And this time last year, I was going to PT and
getting massages as often as I could afford them.
Strikes me funny...
Is this just bad luck?
I'm I unconsciously sabotaging myself?
Would this have gone down if I hadn't decided
earlier this week to go to Nationals, which is
in two and a half months?
Don't know, but it's what I have to work with..

Nationals July 13-19 2008

I wasn't going this year.
With my son graduating High School in June
and leaving for the Air Force on the 7th
of July, I figured I would have so much to
do attending to his needs, that there would
be no way I could devote the time needed to
train during those hectic weeks leading up
to his departure from my everyday life.
Nor would I have the funds to fly out to
Nebraska and stay at a downtown hotel for
a week.
But, driving him to school a few days a go,
I suddenly realized that I really wanted to
go.
That I really wanted to race.
That I really had the desire to stand on the
National floor and be there with my Team.
So I'm going.
Somehow.
And that's likely to mean driving 1265 miles
out and 1265 miles back, and sleeping at a
campground in a tent.
But I was happy as soon as the decision was
made..

Ahhhh...Choooo!!

It's got to be a cold :(
Otherwise I wouldn't feel like an elephant
was sitting on my chest or be hacking up
crud out of my lungs, right?
Ended up in bed after Saturdays double practice.
Handled 2 hours of indoor OK, and the very
beginnings of outdoor, but with my HR pegged at
160 in the pace line, which is my indoor sprint
number, and it taking an abnormal amount of time
for it to drop back down during a break, I knew
I was dealing with more than just "tired".
Crack!
Still, it made me feel old.
Wait..
I am old!
Sunday I slept in, ran some errands, took another
2 hour nap and went to bed early.
Hope to have a handle on it now.
I have a busy training week ahead, with an outdoor
clinic this weekend.
It's one I'd like to be healthy for.

Cha..Cha..Changes

Trying to implement several at practice last
night threw me a curve ball.
One I didn't catch.
A straight arm swing, the one I'd practiced
at home over the past few days, the one that
works for me outside, seems to totally disturb
my sync inside.
And I need all the sync I can manage in that
venue.
Only when I returned to my bent elbow, karate
chop affair, which looks completely retarded,
and set my mind to getting back into my "unique"
skating groove did things go better.
You'd have thought I'd had 3 weeks off instead
of a mere 3 days..
Oh well, sometimes practice is like that.
Another thing I tried right off was leading
into each entry with my left foot,which is what
I should be doing.
Seems I've had it wrong all this time because I
naturally lead in with my right foot.
That proved awkward, but I think with enough
practice, in the off season, I can make that
one mine.
Till then, I returned to being a righty.

The saving grace were starts.
I'm making progress there.
Keeping my face down, with my chin and eyes
towards the floor instead up and looking down
the straightaway, more like a regular sprinter
start, works much better.
So does not being so concerned about running
into the skaters next to me..

Sunny Days

Spring is sprung, the days are bright and warm
and I just want to go back to bed..
Sick last week with some sort of intestinal virus,
one that licked my ass, now I have a cold and can
barely swallow because my throat is so sore.
I am not thrilled about this turn of events..
Oh well, best to get it out of the way now before
life really picks up and moves into summers fast
pace.
My son is all about the Senior Prom at present.
He has an date, his tux is rented and the limousine
lined up.
Prom night is only a few weeks away, and a mere
handful of weeks after that is graduation.
Then the countdown truly picks up..

Smile! Your On.

Candid Camera!
Our Coach had portions of the video that was taken
at practice last week, put on DVD's so we could all
review it.
( A great idea!)
After watching my set,yesterday afternoon, I fell
into a deep depression.
OK.
It wasn't that deep, but I was certainly depressed.
Yikes!
There's no way I'm that stiff...am I?
Dang!
I am!

Problem:

When I first get out of bed each morning, I am 90%
a cripple.
It's my lower back and hips, especially the right
side.
They hurt, and I'm stiff as a board.
"If" I don't take the time to follow a carefully
laid out routine, my back/hip can, and have,
gone out causing weeks if not months of pain.
Give us 45 minutes together, and things begin
to settle. I loosen up, and on with life I go.
Sure, I'm stiff and sore when I get out of the car
after my twice a day 50 minute commute to work ,
but isn't that normal?

Reason:

It was that horse that fell over backwards and on
top of me when I was twenty three.
Crushing my pelvis between it and the hard ground..
That hurt.
With no medical insurance I recovered over a long
string of months at home without the benefit of
physical therapy of any type.
I healed, but I healed with the bones in my lower
back out of whack.
And 30 years later I pay the price for it.

Issue:

Well, well..
You can so tell that I am not at peace with skates
on my feet.
Because I look, (so must be), stiff, silted and
quite uncomfortable about the whole process.
But I'm only like that, well, at least to such an
extreme, when I skate.
I know I don't look like a zombie when I walk.
But I do when I run..
Lol!

Assessment:

God did not bless me with natural, speed skating,
talent.
(We already knew that.)
I have an old injury that impacts my life on a
daily basis and it really makes a showing when
I strap 8 wheels to my feet.
Kinda makes sense doesn't it?
I compensate for my back without even thinking
about it and it shows up on the floor 100% of
the time.

Conclusion:


It's not within my power to make my back/hips be
something they will never be again.
Too late for that..
I'll have to accept skating like a "stiff" as the
price I pay for leading an exciting life as a youth.
"But" it is within my power to get lower, improve
my arm swing, and work on the finer points.
No excuses.

The Smallest Things

The position of your head, a few instructive
words spoken at the right time, knowing the
camera is being focused on you as you perform
a specific drill!
Lol
Doors, previously closed, open.

Outdoor

Wasn't sure I'd be able to make the planned
practice up at our coaches last night.
Still dealing with the virus I'd picked up,
and feeling like I'd be caught out without a
place to "go", I was going back and forth
about it till the very last minute.
What the heck, I thought, it's the beginning
of the season, and time to start putting miles
under my wheels.
Just do it!
While actually skating,I was fine, but even
this morning my body is still getting a beating
by this thing.
Anyway, it took a few laps to get used to the
rougher road surface and "chicken girl" made
a brief appearance.
It seems Emrick Road, where we normally train,
has spoiled me.
An hour passed in the blink of an eye and only
once did I briefly consider dropping out of the
pace line.
Mostly because my back was hurting.
Playing around with my position,I found the one
that suited me better and carried on.
In no time at all, I'll be back in the outdoor
groove :)

Sick As A Dog..

Stomach virus?
Don't know, but had to call out of work today.
There was no way I could have made the drive in.
Went back to bed, slept for 3 hours, got on the
computer, (since my son was in school), then went
back to bed again.
I was freezing and glad for my electric blanket,
which I turned up a few notches.
Hopefully I'll get my strength back quickly..

Swimming Up Stream

There's an old axiom, "Fake it till you make it".
Well, when it was my turn in line during the
creation process, God must have turned his head
to sneeze.
Coming back to task, continuing to piece together
the version of human that was to become "me", He
forgot the install of "fake".
If it's in my head or heart, it's on my face or
sleeve.
The best I can manage, when the bad things I am
thinking so desperately want to escape my lips,
or overpowering emotions rake at my insides to be
released, is steel my face, pour mental concrete
down my throat, or, walk away.

In my time, I have done a lot of walking away..

Saturdays 8am practice started out fine.
I got up early, ate oatmeal, and I was looking
forward to it.

Passing drill went well and I noted that I didn't
get that tightening in my stomach I usually do
when it comes to passing.
And that was a great feeling!
Soon afterwards though, I blew my cool, lost my
temper and came a hairs breath away from my own
very personal China Syndrome.

What happened?
A mix of things.
Things that shame me to admit.
But growth is in the telling, and I am determined
to face my monsters...
So hear my confession.

A team mate bought a new 4x110 fame and was wearing
it for the first time.
She'd been looking for the acclaimed roll advantage
110m wheels bring, and seems to have found it.
Free speed!
We'd all like that.
Woo! Hoo!
Usually I'm very happy for any friends good fortune.

But I was torn on this one.

The initial sting concerned the fact that she
can afford to buy the set up, and I couldn't.
I know, what a shallow, petty, jealous way to
feel, but that was the truth of it at the time.
Things are quite tight financially at the moment.
So much so that robbing Peter to pay Paul doesn't
even work.
Peter's broke too..
Hard times pass, they always do, but this passage
is stressing me out.
Anyway, it's not her fault I'm counting quarters,
but the reptilian part of my mind came alive.
And I told it to shut the hell up!

So we're in the pace line, and at one point she
ends up behind me.
Coach picked up speed and I moved forward with him
like everyone else.
Where I started to become a head case was when she
continually pushed me because she was "rolling" so
much.
"I'm coming in to you, I'm going to push you".
And she did, all down each straight away.
I appreciated the heads up, but there I was, busting
my ass at practice, and now she's free rolling!

I wanted to scream..and I was ashamed at how I felt.
All at the same time..
Then, we sprinted several more laps, slowed so to
recover, and sprinted again.
And I got tried faster than even usual and couldn't
keep up with the process at all.
"They" were too fast and I could not recover while
in line.
I rolled off the floor, feeling devastated.
And I went back out.
And I couldn't stay in....
And rolled off the floor again, and wanted to throw
my head back and scream..
Scream because I wasn't able to give what I knew my
coach wanted out of me.
What I wanted out of me.
Scream, because my demons of not being good enough,
my Achilles heel, showed up again, unbidden, unwanted.
Bringing me to such a low point, so incredibly fast,
that it was all I do not to fall completely and utterly
apart.

This time I wanted to take both my skates off, and
just throw them at the walls.
I was so angry, fighting back tears, and the tangle
of emotions cascaded over me.
I didn't know if I was coming or going.
Yeah, and the thought to quit entered my head.
Quit skating and racing because I am obviously too
slow and will never be fast enough.

Fast enough..

Fast enough=good enough.

Does it?

In a wounded child's mind, the one that still resides
in my 52yr old body, she believes it.
Believes she needs to prove her worth, her value.
For as a child, when there wasn't anything for her to
do, or be, when she had nothing to offer, she was given
away to strangers.
And she never understood the why of it.
What was it about that child that wasn't "good enough"?
She never knew.
So she made her own reasoning.

The Original Wound..

The grand canyon of hurts.
A place I do my best to stay as far away from as possible.
But then something triggers it, and the next thing I know
I'm falling..into dark miles of sharp things that rip
at my clothes and skin..and heart.

When I want so badly to make the grade, and fail, the
ghosts return, the trap door under my feet opens up,
and I'm lost once more..
Falling, falling..
And this ache in my chest, and the tears I am crying
as I type this, tell me that this is "true" for me.

Why this comes out on the floor, skating, is another
thing I can't make complete sense of.
It just does.
And it's a horrible place, one if given the choice,
I would never visit on my own.
Yet if I want to skate, to compete, I must come to
terms with each visitation, and I need to get over
it faster.
Or, I can walk away.
I've done that before.
But I didn't yesterday.

Though I never emotionally recovered at practice, I
returned to the floor, stood in line during relays,
raced my laps, and concentrated on catching my breath
in the relay box.
The last 15 minutes of practice coach started a fast
pace line, and the fact that I had not fully recovered
my equilibrium, become more than apparent to me.
I called it a day.

Drained, I went home, drained I stayed and I woke up
this morning in the same state..
Bummer...

Head-On

Falling is part of skating, and I've done
my fair share of it.
In fact, though I don't do it much anymore,
it's a given that I will fall, on my own,
or in a tangle with someone else.
Last nights incident was with my youngest
team mate.
We were on the start line together and he
was unsteady from the word "Go!".
Skating over the first cone, to my inside,
instead of around it, he finally went down
coming out of the corner, tumbled and then,
sprawled across the floor directly in my
path which was on the outside.
There he was, inches from the wall, with my
left boot flying towards his head!
He saw me coming, and I saw the look that
flashed across his face..
In horror, his and mine, I knew in an instant
that I was going to run him over..as simple
as that.
So I chose the only alternative, the wall,
along with the tiny bit of space between it
and him.

And a picture from Nationals flashed across
my mind...
In one race, I'd gotten too close to the wall
trying to miss a fallen skater, in the exact
some situation...it took me out and probably
cost me a podium placement..

With my right shoulder on the painted cider
block, I picked my left boot up and back to
miss him and and that's the way I fell, sliding
down the floor along the wall with my left leg
back, behind and under me.
Crack! My bad knee!
My first thought was "Is he OK??", did I miss
him?"
Both of us got up to finish our laps but I was
shaking, and mentally upset.
You know when you were a kid, and you ran across
a busy street without looking ?
The traffic missed you, you were alright, but
your Mom or Dad, though relieved you were safe,
were so upset that they spanked your butt?
That's how I felt last night.
I wanted to spank butt.
Gee, I could have seriously hurt that boy..
Took me awhile to discharge the emotions that
followed..

DEP Call

Last night my son attended the monthly meeting
of the Air Force Delayed Entry Program he is in.
The previous 3 months he either forgot to go, or
couldn't make it because he of being on the stage
crew for the High School play Camelot.
Unfortunately the timing over lapped indoor practice
so I had to leave my skate bag at home and put on
my taxi driver hat.
Which really doesn't happen that often.
When I went back to pick him up at 7:30, he was quite
enthused about the speakers they'd listened to.
Both recent grads of Basic Training and Tech School.

As the weeks count down, and seem to fly by, I observe
my first, and only born, preparing for his new life.
Mere months away, he is excited at the adventure of it,
and I am beginning to be caught up in it too.
Of course I am happy for him.
But I am going to very much miss his daily presence in
my life.
The "I love you Mom" that comes out of no where.
His stories, his interests, his laugh, his bright wit
and intelligence...

Too Much Too Soon

Couldn't make it to Emrick last night so decided
to fill the absence in with an hour long walk/jog
around and through the Goodman Stadium complex.
Though I haven't "jogged" for quite some time, I
thought what the heck, I'm no weenie.
If I can skate 6 miles, jogging 1 or 2 won't hurt
me.
Right?
All around me were men, women, and young Lehigh U.
girls running up and down the road I was walking
on.
Talking to each other, or plugged into their Ipods.
So I started running too..
And it wasn't "so" bad.
But I remembered pretty soon, why I don't like to
run...
It's just not fun.
It's sorta a pain in fact.
But it was much more of a pain when I got out of bed
this morning.
And all day a work...
Ouch!
My hamstrings are screaming, and I think I have shin
splints..

HR Training

Do a Google search on heart rate training and you
will find more than you ever wanted to know on the
subject.
Hit the local Barnes & Noble and you'll find hard
copy with the same sort of information.
It was pretty cool to locate online calculators that
would figure out the numbers for me.
Or, if you like math, you can play with slightly
differing formulas, all based on one theory or the
other, and figure out your max and training zones
for yourself.
According to most theories, my max HR is somewhere
very close to 174.
Well, they're wrong.
Hell, during indoor interval/sprint training while
in the pace line, my HR is 165+.
And my little ticker can go much higher than that
outdoors.
It's was once recorded well into the 190's at the
very end of hill sprints.
(who said I wasn't trying? LOL!)
Now I might not have felt that great when it was
up there, but that's beside the point.
For the next few months, as we train outdoors for
the 2008 racing season, I'll be off in my own little
world, "base" building.
And base building requires long slow miles.
The ones that go hand in hand with a slow aerobic
heart rate.
When my coach first suggested it to me, I thought,
"piece of cake!".
I'm already slow, this is right up my alley!
Ahhh..well...I've come to find, it's not as easy as
I thought it would be.
Keeping my HR where it should be, in the low 130's-
140's range, ( some theories say it should be the
120's) isn't a piece of cake at all, especially when
I'm going up hill.
All I can say is that the next few months are going
to be a great opportunity to work on my form...

Windy Six

Monday I had too many after work errands to run and
wasn't able to make the scheduled Emerick skate with
my team mates.
So, with the sun shining and temperature reaching 50
degrees yesterday,I thought it would be a great night
to head on over and make up for it.
Whoa!
It was overcast, cold, and windy.
Very windy..
Up hill I was working against it and there were many
moments I was practically at a standstill.
Across the top of the 1 mile loop I was being blown
sideways, a first, but turning right onto the downhill
section, with the wind at my back it made for quite a
fast roll out :)
I'd planned for more..but 6 miles had to do.

Long Time, No Write

Let's see...my son's four day solo hiking trip in NW
PA on the Loyalsock Trail became an over night.
He'd planned this hike for Easter break during the long
dark winter months and had spent hours meticulously
getting all his gear in order..
Originally he was to have the company of a handful of
his friends, but they all had one excuse or the other
when it came time to really go.
So he went by himself, full of a sense of adventure.
That first night when he set up camp, he was over come
with a crushing sense of aloneness.
Not lonely, but soul searing "alone".
On the drive home the next afternoon, (I drove 3 hours
from work to pick him up), he told me that he'd wept
like a baby that 1st night.
He'd never realized how much the "noise" of his everyday
life keeps him contained and when he was there in the woods,
under the light of a solstice full moon, miles from another
human, he said it was like standing on the shoreline of an
incomprehensible ocean...
Who was he without the "stuff" of his everyday world??
What an experience...
I'd think he received far more than he ever expected from
that hike.


Skating is going well. I'm learning new skills and if I make
them a habit, they'll have a positive impact on lowering my
lap times.

Took the Ninja out yesterday!!
Woo! Hoo!
She started right up and I had a blast riding around town.
Can't wait for warmer temps so I can have her out all the time :)

Meets & More

Drove east to Hacketstown N.J. early yesterday with
fellow skater Bill. B.
That's the location of Team Excel and they were hosting
our monthly Keystone League Meet.
We walked up to the rink door at around 7:30AM, but most
inside had been there since 5am with the 1st race at six.
A good crowd,and I was happy to see familiar faces and
catch up on the news.
Did I miss not racing?
A little..
I did my best to make myself heard over the crowd yelling
for their favorite skater in each race, and I cheered my
SOS team mates, small and tall, along with friends from
rival teams.
Would have stayed longer, but Bill was starving and started
following me around looking at his watch... so I took the
hint and we drove off to find a Diner.
GO SOS!

Saturdays practice wrecked me for some reason.
Yeah, I'm not fond of a 8am practice but even so, during
one the the longer passing drills, (which is a great drill),
after my 3rd time out, my heart rate stayed up after I came
back into the pace line and I just could not recover.
Weak, I ended up rolling off the floor and laying down for
several minutes.
As soon as I did, I broke out in a deep sweat.
I wasn't happy hearing everyone else still going around the
100m track,lap after lap, without me, but there didn't seem
to be any other option for me at the time.
Once I got things back on an even keel, I went back out but
was never the same.
Had I reached my max, had I done all I could, did getting
out of the line mean I was weak?

Indoor

Last nights practice rocked!
Getting back on track with my skating goals
and feeling motivated again has put a bounce
in my step that's been missing for too many
months.
The dog eared books I used last year to prepare
for Nationals are being re-read, I've started
keeping a detailed training journal again and
I'm exploring my nutrition, which I know from
experience has a huge impact on how I feel
physically, and hence emotionally, on the floor.
"The body and mind work together"
And, it was way cool to stay in the pace line
during an interval drill after so many of my
Team mates had to drop off.
Just proves to me that I'm stronger when I'm
focused..

Outdoor

Outdoor practice started for a handful of hearty souls
late yesterday afternoon.
Pulling pieces of my long un-used cold weather cycling
apparel from the back closet, I wasn't sure how to dress.
Thankfully I brought two jackets.
Along with gloves, a turtle fur neck gaiter and an inner
helmet cap.
The heavy jacket got me sweaty, so I switched out to a wind
front cycling affair.
I can always count on feeling surprised the first time I
skate outdoors, after being indoor for six months.
It's just a different animal..and my body says "Hey! What
the hell are you doing to me?"
My goal to start, per my coach, is to keep my heart rate in
the 75% range, which for me means 135-140.
You'd think that would be a piece of cake.
It's not.
Especially halfway to 3/4's up the hill.
Best I could manage there was the mid to low 150's.
Maybe I should have taken my skates off and walked up..
As slow as I was skating, it was like I was walking.
:O
LOL!

Goals

Well, it's not like I haven't been here before.
And the feeling of un-happiness that comes with the
mental, and hence emotional location, is familiar.
Simply put, without goals to keep me focused, I am
like a rudderless boat.
Oh, the triangles of cloth are hoisted, I tack this way
and that across the open water.
But with no clear target to point towards, after doing
what I consider my duty, is done, I flounder.
For there is nothing to contain the rest of me.
The left over part.
Nothing to measure myself against, nothing to strive
for.
And I need that.
I need to push against my walls, moving inch by inch
into uncomfortable places to...to what?
To remind me that I am not an inanimate object?
Not a stick?
Not something or someone to stay forever in one one place,
in one form?

Over It

It's done.

Yesterday afternoon, (I was surprised how long it took)
I decided to stop being so concerned about what happened
last Wednesday morning.
Worrying about it, or future possible occurrence's, doesn't
serve me.
Fact is, it makes me miserable.
Ten plus years ago, I had to pull the truck I was driving
over when the vision changed dramatically in my right eye.
Along with that, I was extremely tired, thought I was going
to pass out and seemed to be slurring my "inner" speech.
My son was with me, and not wanting to scare him, I sent him
off to play in a school yard playground while I laid down on
a nearby bench for 25 minutes.
I was scared and concerned then too.
Days later at the Doctors office he told me,
"Well, if it happens,it happens".
Have a stroke that is.
Or, it could have only been a visual migraine episode.
He was right.
If it happens, it happens.
Till then, as the Buddhist's say,
"Chop wood, carry water".

Gotta Love It

A young gal from my Doctors office called yesterday
afternoon

"The Doctor wanted to let you know your test results
were negative".

Oh.
I wasn't aware we were looking for a yes or no answer..
What does that mean?
I'm not pregnant?
Don't have HIV?
Exactly what was the "test" for anyway?
TIA's? MS, migraine?
Those were the things my Doc mentioned when I walked out
his door last Wednesday with a referral in my hand for the
local Imaging Center.
Not one possibility, but three.
So there will no discussion.
No, "This is what I think happened to you" or "I don't know
what it was, but come back to see me if it happens again".
Nada.
I got more information from Shelly, a fellow Blogger. and
from my own research on the internet..

Ho-Hum

There is something to be said for boring old
normalcy.
Feeling better, I'm happy to return to "nothing
much happening".
Lol

Last nights practice has been switched to tonight,
so I worked my arms for the 1st time since early
last week.
I'm committed to putting flabby old lady arms off
for as long as I can pick up a 10lb hand weight..

It was unusual to be awoken in the middle of the
night by heavy rain fall and the the sound was
comforting.
If all went well, the downpours went far in washing
left over salt and cinders off the roads.
Soon I'll be taking the Ninja out of hibernation and
a clean road makes for a happy biker :)

And The Answer Is?

TIA's,(mini strokes) MS, migraine??
There is no firm answer.

Haven't felt well since last Wednesday morning when
I had my unusual "ocular adventure".
The nausea that came with the event only lasted a day,
but vertigo has hung around for the past five.
Didn't go to practice last Thursday because I just didn't
feel right at all and Saturday my body struggled enough
during practice that I eventually had to pack up and go back
home.
Sunday I was in and out of bed, with headaches on and off.
Talked to my Dad later in the day, and low and behold I
discovered that he has been on medicine for years to control
reoccurring TIA's.
He said it took 50+ ocular events, and many visits to the ER
for some one to finally figure out what was going on.
It was a neurologist who solved the mystery.
He also said that each occurrence scared the crap out of him
and he was glad to have them under control.
"You know Hon, what your having are mini strokes.."
Nice....
Well, they say, the evil you know is better than the one you don't.

I'm just happy that I'm finally beginning to feel better.

Whew..

For a brief period yesterday morning before leaving for work,
directly after turning around sharply to head back into the
kitchen, my vision fractured in both eyes.
I became confused as to why I couldn't see out of my left eye,
and why my right was like trying to see through a fun house mirror.
After maybe 15 seconds the worst passed and I just couldn't focus
for few minutes.
Nauseous on the way to work. and pretty much all day, I made an
appointment for 2pm to visit my Doctor.
He sent me to have an ultra sound done of my carotid arteries.
Guess I'll get a call today with the results..
I hate getting older..

My Plate

Just how much can I put on there?
There's my job and commuting, raising my son,
(OK, that's almost done), bill's to keep track
of, chores to do, over and over and over again,
online dating and the sometimes real dating that
stems from it, and the non stop care of our dogs/
cats/birds.
Blah, blah, blah..
Next Saturday outdoor skating starts again, I want
to ride my road bike a lot this year and of course
my motorcycle, plus I've agreed to join a womans
softball team this summer.
Do I have time for a karate class several times
a week?

Snow Day!

:)

Breaks My Heart...

Crack!...
It's horrible seeing my son sad and depressed,
knowing that there is nothing I can do to make
the situation be what he wants it to be.

He didn't get any of the top four job's he listed
and really wanted, and now the Air Force expects
him to sign a contract, tonight, for a job he has
no interest in.
A contract that states he can not request to cross
train into another job for 56 months.
That's a long time to be doing something you have
no desire to do..
I rarely see my son cry, but he cried last night..
Yet he feels honor bound to sign.
So sign he will..

Whew..

Thankfully when I put my skates on last night
and stood up, I felt that "deep in my boots"
feeling right away.
For the first time in 3 weeks :)
While my right leg still has a tender bump along
the outside of my shin, the major bruising and
soreness I've had is almost gone.
Woo! Hoo!
It wasn't perfection when I rolled onto the
floor, but it was 95% compared to pre-crash.
During relays I was leaning again on the ends.
What a palatable sense of relief I felt when I
realized that the floor and I were working together
again!
Ate dinner too close to practice though and fought
the urge to vomit all during that portion of practice..
Never again!

Sunnier Days

That's what I need, more sunny days.
Sun light of any duration would be welcome..
How I am going to love spring this year!

My back has been a 24/7 issue for weeks, ever
since I decided to do something about firming
up my meno belly.
I learned in short order that I "can" do military
sit ups, no problem, but they do a nasty number
on my lower back after the fact.
:(
When I switched to sit ups on the exercise ball,
I thought there we go, a workable solution!
Not.
I was a cripple by next morning.
Now my bed is a torture device..
Rats!
I've been here before, so know I will recover,
eventually, but till then, ouch!

Stinking Thinking...

In front of a computer screen, in the mist of February,
it's dark and cold, with more cold to come..

Age is becoming a monster, and the changes happening to
my body unsettle me.
Curse peri-menopause and menopause after it!
I'd rather deal with a period once a month and scheduled
mood swings then what's happening to me.
At least I'd still have good skin.
Now, I never know what's coming, or how permanent it's
going to be when it gets here.
And for a woman who often said that looks aren't important,
I now find them quite so.
Looking at the back of my hands horrifies me..
Crack!
If that's what my skin and veins look like now, what the
heck will they look like in 8 years when I'm sixty?
This totally sucks.

Gurrrrrrr....

Having my legs burn during warm ups is never a
good sign,and that's been occurring for the last
week or so of practices, ever since I took that
dive into the floor.
Can't blame it on that, nor my current frame of
mind, but that fall was the start of my downward
spiral.
Sunday I left the floor, took my boots off and
left halfway through practice.
When asked by my Coach what was wrong, I couldn't
say..
Tears began to roll on the drive home, and started
again after I changed into warmer clothes, laced
up my running shoes and headed out the front door
for a 3 mile power walk.
It was 25 degrees, windy, and a few times gusts
blew me side ways.
I don't like where I am mentally, or the thoughts
and feelings I'm experiencing.
Yet, there they are, and I can't escape them.
Believe me, I've tried.
This time of year is difficult, the darkness doesn't
help, and skating drags on and on.
Internal motivation is slipping further away and I
am weary of seeing people join the team, move behind
me in line and ahead of me in ability.
My balance issues smacked me where it hurts last night
and my heart wasn't in a sturdy enough place to suck
it up.
Why do my personal issues, my personal weaknesses play
themselves out so strongly in my training?
There has never been a venue that has taken me up nor
brought me down into ugliness like speed skating has.
I'm not sure what I want to do about that..

Cross Roads

Standing off to the side at practice last night,
watching as team mates finished up a drill, I just
didn't want to be there.
And later, at the start of a new drill, an over
whelming urge to take my skates and go home swept
over me.
It's somewhere I have been before..
And it's not a place I like being.
Though I stayed, and practice wasn't as bad as
Sundays, I regretted having lost the high degree
of comfort I've been enjoying for months.
Without intending it, the floor, that has been so
comfortable, so solid and inviting, something I'd
relished digging into with my wheels and pushing
off of with determination, going faster and faster,
has become cold and slippery.
My joy has been replaced by fear.
How can you lose confidence so fast?

My lower back hurts, my leg hurts and my boot digs
into my right ankle where it never has before.
And I'm angry about it..

Tuesday

Hope I'm not getting sick again..but for the past
three days I've been dragging my wagon. I'm in bed
by 8pm and lights are out by 9, if not earlier.
Still feel beat up and sore from Saturdays fall.
And I didn't do my arm work out last night because
they are too sore along with my right shoulder.
All I wanted to do when I got home from work was
go to bed..
Getting older bites!
Don't let it happen to you!!!
LOL
Instead, I made myself go out for a 3 mile power
walk and ran a 1/2 mile of it.
A few years ago, on a hiatus from skating, I'd
built up to running 5 miles at a stretch.
Didn't enjoy it much, but I could do it.
It had been many, many years before that, while
training for a local Tin-Man Triathlon in my late
20's that I discovered my body wasn't made for it.
Running that is.
It's at home on in the pool or on the bike, but
running is a battle of will power.
So why I'm I planning to take it up again?
Just to prove to myself, that while I may be going
to hell in a hand basket,( F'ing DNA! grrrrr ), and
I am pissed as all get out about it, my will power
is in there somewhere and it's going to be put to
use..

Wham, Bam

Coach is back in the house.
Relaxed,dark skinned,and with a smile etched on his face.
A week in Mexico, in January, will do that to you..
:)

Good showing of skaters last night.
New and old alike.
At the beginning of practice my calves felt the absence
of last weeks floor time. It amazes me that all it took
were five days to start losing ground.
I wasn't able to stay in for the whole 100 lap pace.
Two minutes shy there, which bothered me.
Of course, unlike last year, we are now called on to catch
the pack several times, that adds laps, along with racking
up the effort factor, but still,I was disappointed.
Oh well, next time.

Couple of decent falls, my own included.
First real fall on the new floor.
(my "first" fall was over a young boy who went down right
in front of me, it was slow-mo, so doesn't count)
This was during relays, my turn out, at the apex, felt my
wheels ?, and next thing I know I'm flying up and into the
floor, right arm hitting first, with my hips continuing
the arc, flipping my lower half over the rest and slamming
it, and the outside of my right leg, into the hard wood.
Last down was my head.
Thank God for helmets..
Wham, Bam!!
Crack!
Groans escaped my mouth..
Man O' man!

Last time I fell hard, 2 months or so ago, it was over an
adult who went down out of a corner, sprawling across the
track.
I moved to the inside to avoid him, but there wasn't enough
time or room and I hit him like a train.
Thought at the time I'd broken in pieces..
(my left knee still bothers me)
Am I turning into a wussy?
Hope that isn't the case.

Cranky Pants

With our coach on a well deserved week long vacation,
training just isn't the same on the 100m track.
The guys filling in for him try, but when "the cats
away".
There are just too many cooks in the kitchen right
now..
And it makes some of us a little bit cranky.
Guess that's what happens when you depend upon one
person so much, as we do our Coach.
Even so, I'm skating well.
On Saturday I stayed in the pace line after everyone
but the very fastest skaters had dropped off.
People were surprised by that.
I wasn't.
I'm getting faster.
As of yet, I can't stay in till the very end, but I
believe the day is coming when I will..

Wednesday

Now that the IT guys at work have blocked just about
everything of any interest,including Blogger, I don't
seem to be posting much..
Of course I shouldn't really be blogging at work should
I?

We had a small group at practice last night.
Some crud is going around and a lot of people are getting
hit with it.
Hopefully I have paid my dues with what I had a week or so
ago.

Taking my race wheels off, which we all were using on our
newly coated floor, and switching back to softer practice
wheels is working.
And giving me a good workout.
There's less free roll, but in trade I get more grip, and I
can dig into floor and push off it with a feeling of security.
Got messed up during relays and going out for tags but I guess
that's how you learn.
My guy was on the floor sitting in second and I was in the box
looking to come out for our tag.
Well, so was the team mate of the person in first, who happens
to be a stronger skater than I am even on his worst day.
Which means he can leave the box later than I can and get where
he needs to be with less effort.
I needed to leave earlier than he did, (and to be almost in the
same place for the tag), and needed to build up the speed. But
there he was, right in front of me, taking his time and blocking
my way.
Which turned our badly for me and my relay partner.
Because I didn't know what to do about it..
That's why it's called practice.

Burrrrr

It was one of those weekends that's so cold, even
the cars stay off the road.
Went for a 3 mile power walk this morning and it was
24 degrees, but I had sweat trickling down my back by
the time I got home.
There was no practice today since our league had a meet
this morning.
One I did not go to..
Even so, I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't get back to
sleep..does that mean that subconsciously I wanted to
go, or at least thought I should have gone instead of
staying home?


PS
I'm learning a lot about myself, and other things via my
foray in the online dating thing..
In fact that's the best thing about it,learning.
Like this:
"Love never hurts, but expectations can"

98.9%

Feeling better every day and quite thankful about it.
Was very happy to get out on the Ninja out last night
for a few miles despite the 34 degrees it read down on
the bank clock :)
First order of business was at the local gas station to
get air in my back tire. The connector on my bike pump
only works in the front. Can't get it attached in the
back. Eventually will have to buy something that does
works on both wheels.
Saturdays fiasco with shifting the 250 shows that no
matter how much you think something is right, you can be
wrong about it.
I remembered the gear pattern,(after a mere 5 weeks or
so off the bike), completely opposite of what it is, and
couldn't conceive of it being anything other wise.
To the point of believing my bike was broken.
Talk about being thick headed and short sighted.
A lesson learned..