Debris

A Hurricane, tornado, or major life event can blow
through the portion of the world that you call home,
rip your ordered life up by the roots, and scatter
tattered pieces of it over so many miles that you
can't find any parts you recognize.
You are left to start over.
Made to re-build from the ground up.

I used to enjoy starting over when I was younger,
but age is having it's way with me in more ways then
one and I don't have the taste for it that I used to.

There is something positive about major change though.
It can wake you up, from the unintentional walking
slumber we sometimes slip into, when life flows along
peace-fully...for too long.

Happy vs Un

The scale that balances the two is leaning
heavily on the "Un" side of things..
My life is un-raveling.
Deep changes are taking place and I'm not at
all happy about most of them.
With my son cleaning his room and packing the
items of his youth away, I feel unprepared to
face the silence that will soon fill the spaces
that he does now, and has for the past 18+ years.
Spaces so wonderfully filled with his laughter,
stories, questions and observations on life..
...

Juiceless

With no gas in my legs, practice last night was
an almost total washout.
My body would not, could not, function.
It's been awhile since my legs burned and fatigued
so completely, so early on, and between that and the
lousy practice the night before, I can only conclude
that I coming down with a bug.
Before I even got in the car I thought staying home
was a better idea, but this close to Nationals I don't
like taking time off.
My mind is a gutter ball this week and all I know how
to do is wait for it to roll out and on to higher ground.

Bah Humbug

Illogical.
That word best describes the manner in which my
brain functions sometimes.
Thoughts looping back on themselves, as if on
constant rewind, feeling like I'm stuck in a box
that no amount of punching will break me out
of.
Like last night during practice.
It was meant to be very brief. Our first of that
sort before Nationals.
Only a five minute warm up, a short sprint drill,
and a 5 minute cool down.
Then go home.
From the get go I was a loser.
My bodies systems need more time, and a slower start
pace to wake up to the work I am going to ask them
to do.
But last night wasn't about anything doing with
slow.
So, I was left in the dust.
As it should be.
Because my team mates have no problem with starting
out fast, going fast, and ending fast.
And that's the rub.
Fast.
Simply put, I am not in their league.
So what do I do about that?
Work harder so I can be like them?
At 52 and with no talent to be seen?
Unlikely to happen..
So how do I make my pride not take offense at the
weakness of my body?
.....

Nationals

My 2008 vacation will once again be wrapped around
Indoor Speed Skating Nationals.
This year held in Lincoln Nebraska.
For me this means, early mornings, late nights, too
little sleep, and being inside more than I am out.
Last year, my first participating in such a high level
event, I learned a lot about how my body responds to
stress.
And it wasn't pretty.
Nor was crashing into a wall, getting up totally dis-
orientated, and falling down again as soon as I stood
up..
Oh, what a Bozo show it was.
:O
If I can live that down, and move on, I can overcome
any embarrassing moment life has up it's sleeve.
And that anxiety attack I had on the last day?
Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Right?
If it happens again, at least I'll know what it is,
and that I can live trough it and still get on the
line when the time comes.

So.
Why do I put myself through the pressure racing
brings with it ????
Like my Coach has said, it's not like I am trying to
make it onto the World Team.
LOL!
(Heck, I'm not even fast enough to have anyone to race
a 10k with..
It's why I gave up outdoors.
I had no desire to be the old, slow loser woman still
out on the track when everyone else was finished.
It just wasn't worth the physical pain involved.)

Perhaps I still race indoors because I don't want to
be a lazy sod.
Indoors is sprint racing.
And I still like it.
When the gun goes off I'm doing five, seven or ten
laps of a 100m track.
Physiologically, my mind, dim as it can be now, sees
a mere 4 seconds between my best lap time and those
of the best athletes in the world, on the same track.
I allow myself to hold onto that, even though those
four seconds are in fact light years apart from each
other.
The difference is staggering.
Still I like the challenge racing affords me.
I like learning.
Even if I am slow at it.

This year I have rented an RV at a campground 4 miles
from Perishing Center to stay in instead of a skater
packed hotel.
Several families from our team are staying there and
it will be nice to be able get outside more and hang
out together.
Last year there were four of us sharing a room. This
year I'll either have one RV mate or have it all to
myself.
My hope is to sleep better.
I'm also going to Nationals more to be a good team
mate and for fun this year than for anything else.
So the weight that comes with expectations isn't as
heavy as it was in 2007.
I've come to realize this past training year, that
no one expects much out of me.
All I have to do is show up and skate.
If something good happens, that's great, but all the
serious expectation stuff is reserved for the young
upcoming skaters, not for the half century and above
crowd.

Sorting

Two weeks till my sons ship date and the "Big Clean"
is in progress.
He won't be coming home again until the end of November
and if he is lucky, it will be for two or three weeks.
Perhaps, so we've been told, he won't get to come home
at all.
It all depends on the needs of the Air Force, timing,
and where his first duty station will be.
So, I'm having him clean his room.
Usually, a once a year affair since I stopped doing it
years ago.
Teen aged privacy and all that.
This time he needs to go through his clothes. What to
keep, what goes to the thrift store, what goes in the
trash etc.

Like a tsunami, the change happening in both our lives
is a wave I can not stop.
And it will have it's way with us, sweeping aside what
we have known, moving us from where we are, to someplace
else.
So I'm getting a jump on it.
And doing my own "Big Clean".
What do I need to keep?
What do I want to keep?
What can I let go of?
What can I sell on Ebay?
LOL
Doing a quick tour, it became apparent that I'm am not a
person that hordes much extra stuff.
And nothing of monetary value..
Ebay won't be seeing much more from me than my dear bike.
I'm going to miss her..

Transitions

The clock is ticking for my son to leave
and in each our own way we are preparing
for his ship date.
I think he is getting a bit nervous.
Me too.

Money is tighter than I ever remember it
being and that is stressing me out way
above my comfort level.
Used to cutting things close, I've run out
of bandaids for being cash strapped and am
now just bleeding freely.
So... I'm doing what others in my situation
have done, and are doing now in this economy.
I'm trying to sell stuff to make ends meet.
Including my Litespeed Titanium road bike.
Yes, Flo Jo is on Ebay. And while I will
greatly miss owning her, and riding her, the
fact is, she is one of the few things I own
that would have value to someone else.
I'll be lucky to get half of what I paid for
her..and that is a big ouch.

Things I'm doing to cut back:
Moved my bed downstairs so I only have to
AC the first floor.
Commute on the Ninja several days a week.
Only drink coffee at work where both it and
Half and Half are free.
Eat cereal for lunch, at work 5 days a week
because milk there is free.
Cut my own hair.
OK.
Confession.
I already do that.
And I stopped coloring it to save on money
years ago.
Other stuff.
Break small sized Meaty Bones in half for my
dogs which they get for treats and they go
twice as far.
And instead of buying canned dog food to
sweeten the dry I feed them, I mix in a tiny
bit of the canned cat food I have to get for
our old cat that has bad teeth.
They don't seem to mind.
LOL
I no longer feed the birds.
And went so far as to take my feeders down.
Now that doesn't sound like much does it?
But I've been feeding birds in my backyard,
through thick and thin for all of my adult
life.
Not doing so saves $30.- a month..
So they are on their own.
Lucky me, my son only eats certain items, which
I buy.
I'm eating a lot of cheese sandwiches..and am
thankful when I have Bologna to go on them.
Compared to many around the world, I am lucky,
and I know it.
Still, it's an odd, uncomfortable place to be
and I look forward to healthier financial times.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

Bank display read 85 degrees at 7:15am yesterday on
the way to work, and 99 on the way home.
Temps have been brutal!
We only have AC down stairs so my son and I have been
sleeping on the first floor and thankful for it.

Sunday morning I meet up with a new motorcycle "friend"
for the first time and it was one of those instances
where things were comfortable from the get go.
As is usual for me when I ride, and in spite of the heat,
I was fully geared up.
Perforated leather jacket with amour, full face helmet,
gloves, jeans and heavy work boots.
Two hours later my jacket was strapped down on the back
of his Harley and I rode the rest of the afternoon with
just a sleeveless "T" shirt on.
It was so much cooler!
In that extreme heat I was willing to gamble that I would
not go down..
Lucky me I only had one slight "oh, oh.." moment.
That was turning left up a narrow road on a steep hill,
from a stop on a steep hill, with a ditch too close for
comfort right in front of me on the opposite side of the
road.
Pulling it off I exhaled with a big sigh of relief, and
the rest of the day went smoothly.

Did I say we stopped at a vineyard along the river and
did some wine tasting?
Nine different bottles?
No?
(OK,I only had the tiniest bit of each one..lol_)
Let's see...
No jacket, wine tasting and riding a motorcycle..
Or that after the wine thing a girlfriend who also rides
called and wanted to know if I wanted to ride with her
and 2 guy friends?
Well I was already riding with a guy, but he was game so
back up river we rode, meet them and headed out for another
2 hours.
By this time I was getting sunburned, so when we stopped
at the bar, (did I say bar?), I was thankful to be in AC
again.
My drink of choice was plain coke.
I only had to take a little ribbing for that..
Just because I ride a bike, doesn't mean I'm a biker chick.
Does it?
LOL

Milestones

First smile, first steps, first words.
Those were the milestones I so eagerly celebrated,
my heart dancing with pleasure as untold mother's
before me had.
Tied to every parent, world wide, by the process
of childhood.
My experience was special.
It was unique.
Because this was my boy, my child.
My one and only.
Miracle of miracles.
Unexpected joy of my days..
Bright moon in my night sky.

The best thing I have ever done in my life
has been to be mother to my son.
He has been the center post of my life since
the moment I first knew he was within.
The hinge around which everything afterward
moved.
My body his haven, keeping him safe, nourishing
him, I breathed for both of us, until he could
do it on his own.

Watching him move beyond my own boundary,
knowing he is ready to walk further into the
world, this one of his own weaving, is bittersweet..

My son graduated High School Friday night, with
his friends and peers..
It was the last milestone of his life that I will
ever be so intimately involved with..

Time moves us forward , ready or not.
Thankfully, he is ready for the next step.
And for that I am unspeakably proud.

Tradeoffs

Yesterday I followed through with a trade off I'd
only recently made, and traded outdoor skating and
racing for cycling.
Though I started out almost five years ago as a
outdoor fitness skater,and have enjoyed countless
hours training with my team, I never found pleasure
in the actual part of racing outdoors itself..
Longer distances on skates are tough for me.
They're not a piece of cake for anybody in fact.
For me they hurt bad.
Mind numbingly bad.
At this point in time, it is more pain than I am
willing to embrace with happy thoughts.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I have never
been, and at this stage doubt I will ever be,
athletically gifted.
Yet I've participated in many types of sport
throughout my life, and I don't plan on stopping
that now.
Since I've never excelled, (well I was a decent
enough swimmer),I've had to find meaning racing
a race, among large groups of other athletes, by
myself.
Because I'm slow.
Speed is not my forte.
Nor, I've found, at this point, is suffering.
I can grasp working hard, but suffering for pleasure
is not in me.
Part of me wishes that was different..
Part of me, wishes I were different than I am..
In my heart there is nothing but admiration for
those who race outdoors.
Those who suffer for it.
They simply rock!
But it isn't for me anymore..

Careful Out There

Sunday I rode over to Trexlertown for the first time on
my bike to meet up with another Ninja 250 rider, John J.
We spent a few hours riding around the Allentown area and
I got to experience my first highway type on and off ramps,
crossed a lot of railroad tracks, and in general rode in
more traffic than I am accustomed to.
It went very well.
I always felt in control of my bike and the only time I
got nervous was when the wind literally blew me across
the open road a few feet at a time.
Spooky!
Yesterday afternoon John emailed to tell me he'd been on
his way back to work from lunch, stopped at a light,and a
woman in an F250 rear ended him, catapulting him over his
Ninjas handle bars.
Looks like the bike is totaled.
He was wearing a helmet, but no jacket because is was hot,
and he was only going to be out for a bit.
Thankfully he escaped serious injury with only scrapes from
knee to ankle down one leg, and a badly wrenched shoulder.
Lady said she never saw him..

Wheels

My son,who up to last night, has shown absolutely
no interest in learning how to drive, has decided
that he wants to get his license before he leaves
for Basic July 7th.
Sooooo....last night he and I went over to Lehigh
and used a portion of their huge Stabler parking
lot as step one in the learning process.
How to start the car, brake, and shift into 1st.
Yes folks, I have a 5 speed.
He didn't grind gears and within 15 minutes was
starting, stopping (without giving us whiplash),
and driving slowly around in a large circle
:) :)
Now, if he can just remember to keep his hands on
the steering wheel at all times...

Knock, Knock

Who's there?
Certainly not a lot of speed skaters..
Small showing at this afternoons practice.
One fast kid, me, (the token woman), and seven
really fast guys.
Made for an interesting warm up..
Six weeks to Nationals and everyone has better
things to do with their time?
LOL