Keeping On, Keeping On

God!, it was a beautiful evening when I walked out
of indoor practice yesterday.
Clear air, puffy cumulonimbus clouds swirling at their
edges, making imaginative shapes that begged you to
take the time to pause for awhile and watch the magic
show.
Earlier in the afternoon I'd done a small amount of work
in one of my flower beds despite the fact that my back
had bothered me all the previous night and I'd yet to shake
out the "stiff and sore" factor that I'm beginning to fear will
never go away.
This is getting old..
I'm fine if I don't do the "cat" stretches Nick the PT
guy wants me to do every day.
Not doing them though, is not an option.
I've got to trust the man knows better than I do and
that this is all working towards getting and keeping
my back healthy.
Practice went well and I was happy that my back held
out for the most part. I did not push it.
Well, actually I did.
Catch the pack went on for longer than usual and some
of my laps were decent.
The trick for me is to get my butt low and my head low
and forward.
If I do anything else I can't stay on top of the speed.
Coach had John Rogers shadow me a few times to hone
in on my technique in an effort to make meaningful
corrections.
The ones he suggested where exactly that but the best
effect was, I thought, that for whatever reason, John got
me to fully swing my inside arm a few times, something
I have a difficult time doing.
When I did as he requested, I stayed smooth instead of
having it throw off my balance which is what it usually
feels like to me when I do manage to extend it.
Positive stuff.
If I can do it once, even if I stumble upon it, I can do
it again. Of that I have do doubt.
Starts were the last thing we did before practice came
to a close and I'd decided that an standing start would
be better than a down for my lower backs sake.
With our last meet of the indoor season this weekend,
and Regionals next month, I am loathe to take any
chances, especially with it feeling sore and tired all the
time.
Pulled it off better than I thought I would and this type
of start might be something I should develop further.
Coming into Regionals, I am faster than I was two years
ago at my first.
For certain.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am capable of more.
It's there, out in the wings, waiting till I am ready to accept
it.
I don't know when it will happen, I don't have a schedule,
but it is happening.

Body Talk

Not the crossed arms, crossed leg thing, or the nervous
twitch when you lie thing, no I'm mean communication
between me, myself and I.
At PT Wednesday afternoon, Nick had me doing some
new stuff, after I did all the old exercises.
Did I tell you he's cute?
He is :)
Anyway, I'm finding that there are some parts of my
body that I just don't relate to very well.
( this won't surprise my Coach..lol )
Nick will ask, "do you feel that?", as he puts me in a
position and asks me to engage a holding movement.
I scan my person in hopes of feeling what he wants
me to feel, but there is nothing there.
It's a blank.
Like stabilizing my core.
Say "core" to me and I think abs.
Those I can feel tighten, when activated, but that's not
what Nick is after.
He wants me to keep my core still, as in not move, but
to do that I use my quads, back, whatever, but not my
"core".
What the heck?
Like when I started skating, there where many things
I drew a blank on, for a long time.
A big fat zero.
Coach would ask me to do something and I couldn't do it.
Couldn't even begin to imagine how.
Not that I didn't want to, I just had no form of exchange
between my mind and certain body parts.
Deaf, blind and dumb.
Like Helen Keller trying to make the connection...
I was in the dark.
So Nick is a language teacher.
Patiently working with me, establishing a link for me
to follow, till I can open the door on my own and get
in touch with all those silent parts at will.
Woke yesterday morning with a stiff sore lower back
which held out all day.
I'm chalking it up to the PT session.
Feeling fragile last night at practice, I held out in the
warm up paceline as long as I could and after one
standing start for relays I did do down starts at the
end of practice when they were called for.
Having no confidence here that any start will not be
the one that does my back in, I am slow off the line..

Ready, Set, Go

Trees are flowering, saplings are budding, color is
returning to oaks, maples and elms and soon what
was visible as you drove by in your car, will be hidden
once again by innumerable amounts of green leaves.
The forest will reclaim it's secret places in a matter
of mere days.
Amazing how fast nature goes from naked to fully
clothed once spring really kicks in, here on the east
coast.
Everyday another plant begins poking out of the soil
somewhere in my flower beds and I greet each with
a happy heart.
The Taurus in me loves this time of the year, the
renewal, the birds singing me awake, the warmth
of the sun, the smell of grass and even, for a time or
two, mowing the grass.
Outdoor activity increases and so will skating.
Now we ramp up for indoor Nationals.
Hotels have been booked in Omaha, airline tickets
procured, and relay partners decided on.
Outdoor practice is weekly and that race calender
has been set. The first event of the Eastern
Seaboard series out at Trexlertown is May 12th.
I better start eating my Cheerios...

Knock, Knock

Who's there?
The past.
The past who?
Not the past who!
It's past due!

Rats.
It's coming up again.
Like a weed you keeping pulling out of your garden,
but no matter how many times you get rid of the leafy
part, the root is still deep in the ground and it's going to
come back, like it or not.
Hi.
My name is Joie and I have an abandonment issue.
And it's not going away no matter how many gray hairs
I have on my head.
Time it seems, does not heal all wounds, and mine is
rearing up more frequently.
No amount of walking away, stuffing, ignoring, trying to
make nice, or weed killer is handling this thing.
The problem is deep.
Years and years and years deep.
A whole life time of deep.
From the time I was born deep.
I am blind to the cure.
It's not like I haven't tried to heal myself.
I have.
My soul is calling.
In dreams, in the dark, in crowded rooms, on back roads.
In music and in silence.
My soul is calling.
Look at this.
See and feel this.
Embrace this.
At my core,
is this place.
A place where this pain has lived,
encased, guarded, protected, behind stone.
Like the guy in Shawshank Redemption, who wanted out too,
chipping away when he could at the walls that held him in, I am
chipping away at my walls..
I am escaping from the inside out..

Pride Goes...

Ugly day at the office..
New company came in, despite May 1st being the start
up date and one of them just about jumped my desk to
start doing my job.
I stood my ground.
I told him to back off.
I said that until I was told otherwise, by my boss, that
the desk and everything on it was mine, and my
responsibility.
On point, on guard, I wanted to toss him out my door
on his pants bottom.
My authority is being undermined by the new guys,
or maybe it had already been taken away and I just
hadn't recognized it.
Was I protecting territory that isn't mine to protect
anymore?
This is my boss's gig.
I'm not into his game right now.
But I need a paycheck.
So I will swallow the bitter taste in my mouth, punch
my pride down as in rises up in my chest, and the part
of me that wants to lash out, well, I 'll just have to keep
a lid on it.

Spring Nights

80 something yesterday and I'm the last person you'd
have heard complaining about it.
Guys showed up to work in shorts for the first time this
year and everyone was in an upbeat mood even though
we are having a lousy month money wise.
No body cared about that Monday.
My boys have a "keep on keeping on" attitude as the
days count down to their last one, and as each one passes
I appreciate more and more what they have done for me.
And I wonder just how long it will take to break the new
crew in and get them up and firing on all eights..
The first few weeks of May are going to be wacky.
Last night was the return of our weekly road rides and
it was great to get my bike rack on the car and see Flo-Jo
in the rear view mirror as I drove up to our rendezvous.
Our after work evening rides usually start from our coaches
house and now that he has the gym in his basement we get
two workouts for the same price, free.
We don't need no LA Fitness membership!
There were four of us, less than half of the normal number,
and we were evenly split between bikes and inline speed
boots.
Rock on April and John for heading out on 100mm wheels!
We used main and back roads and it must have come as
a shock to several drivers to pass the usual evening cyclists
and then come upon skaters flying up the road as smooth as
silk just ahead of them.
Awesome to see from where I was in the back and both of them
went up and down the same hills we did. Only when you
heard Bob and I shifting into easier gears to climb, that
wasn't and option for them.
All they had to use was leg and heart and those two chewed
the road up and spit it out!
Very, very cool..

Accentuate The Positve

Our league meet in Mays Landing is one for the books.
Bill and I got a ride down Saturday after practice with
Bob and two of his girls and it is nice once every so
often to leave the arrangements and driving in someone
else's hands.
The hotel room was good and I even got a shower
before we left the next morning.
I'd never been to "Young's" before, it's out in the flat
lands of southern New Jersey. A pleasant change of
scenery and air.
The meet was well run, they always are, and the food
was decent and varied and folks were friendly.
For what ever reason, I didn't feel well and had to get the
Immodium out, twice. To top it off I had the shakes.
A relapse of nerves?
I guess.
But once I have them, there is no switch to turn them
off.
So, you feel like crap, annoyed to be in this place feeling
like you do, and get up to the line and wait for the gun
anyway.
The first race was ugly.
The next, my Novice 1000m, was a little better.
The third, a 500, was junk.
The fourth and last race, another 500m, was also
a little better.
After the 700m I tried to figure out why I shaking
like a leaf but it didn't matter why, just that I was.
Ate my oatmeal between visits to the ladies room, and
a banana,
The floor was in decent shape but I slipped a few times
during my warm up and wondered if that was going to
happen all morning. Fact was, it was a tight fast floor, and
I never slipped after the first warm up, it just wasn't to
be my day.
Seemed to be a lot of falls for a league meet and our team
mate Steve H. took a really nasty one at the very end of the
morning and it looks like he broke his hand..
On the positive side of the fence, I was able, after the
first race, and more so in the last 500m, to put some
of the new things I've been learning into practice.
Pushing off the wall before the cone, taking another cross
going down the long side.
I'd have to ask my coach but I think I'm leaning over my
left foot better.
My starts weren't very good but I think I'm worried
I'll pull my back out and that's impacting them.
As for my back, it didn't bother me at all.
Sure am thankful about that.
Got out of bed this morning just a tad stiff, which didn't
last more than a few minutes.
That's very good news.
Greatest part of the day was the trip we made to the
boardwalk in Atlantic City after the meet was over.
Very cool!
Fantastic weather, good company and it's a great people
watching location :)
Loved being outside in the sun with the ocean air moving
around me and walking the boardwalk with friends was
just delightful..
Being chauffeured, I had the luxury of falling asleep on the
way home.
Would have sworn I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't, but one minute
we were in Philadelphia, and I'm listening to the music coming
out of the radio, then the next thing I know we are on Rt. 22
outside of Bethlehem and almost home.
Well I got a "not so good meet" out of the way and will now
move forward..
Evolution..

Thursday Rundown

Yesterday my back actually felt pretty good,
noticeably good, and my mood improved right
along with it.
It was a short work day, only two hours, because
I had to be home by 11am.
Our mattresses were being delivered between
then and 3pm, and I was looking forward to getting
the switch from old to new made and putting our
bedrooms back together again.
Truck arrived around 1, and $40- was all it took to
get the men to carry everything upstairs.
Unfortunately for me, I'd asked Dad for a Queen to
replace the double I had and the box spring would
"no way, no how" make it up the narrow stair well
of my 1913 twin.
Bummer..
It was only a few inches too big.
Back in the truck it went, but I kept the mattress
so I'm sorta sleeping on the floor but not quite.
Looks like we will have to inquire into a split box
spring.
The old mattresses are out on the front porch under
a blue tarp, tried down with rope and until garbage
pick up next week our house will have a pronounced
"white trash" look.
Talk about lack of curb appeal!
LOL
One good thing about living in town is that they will
pick up the old stuff on garbage day.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
Practice went well last night and until the second
down start my back held up. It was only a small "pull"
but warning enough not to push my luck with a
League Meet this Sunday.
I was pleased with how I skated, over all, and think
my coach really is getting me to lean my left wheels
over towards the inside a bit and I can see good things
coming down the road a ways.
Second PT session this morning at 8:30am and I'm
very interested in what Nick has on tap for me.
Also want to know if the exercises I've been doing,
the ones that make my back sore, have done anything
to improve matters.

......

As Thomas said, "Bloody hell!"
Change can be difficult to deal with, especially when
it isn't of your own making and it comes out of left
field.
My guys are taking it well.
Most of them.
One is looking at it as the kick in the butt he needed
to look for a better paying position.
A couple are OK with collecting unemployment, and
it's my hard working scruffy guy who is taking it hardest.
It's said God works in mysterious ways, and I can only
hope that this will all end up a blessing for Dale just down
the road a piece.
In light of the VA Tech tragedy, what's going on with my
drivers is nothing.
We are all still alive.
My son and I have talked about what happened in Virgina
and he is angry that teachers in his school refuse to spend
any time discussing it.
It's on to the curriculum that will not wait. "Forget relevant
current events that effect all of us, Mom, no, sit still while
we force fed your dry, dusty facts you have to know to graduate".
He has a point.
And he does not think highly of the public school system..
We've talked about the gun issue, and the anger it takes to
coldly kill. We've tried to make sense of a senseless act that
robbed innocent students of their lives, robbed parents of their
children.
All over the world it is happening.
By lone gunmen, (I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to
take it anymore!) by multiple gunmen, all trying to get their
point across, all wanting to be heard, individuals and
governments.
Armies march forward, "We know what is best for you",
they say, listen to us, stop or we'll shoot!
We kill with bullets, we kill with lack of food when there is
plenty elsewhere..
Since Cain and Abel, we kill.
Everyday..

Done Is Done

At a late afternoon meeting yesterday, the powers
that be, greeted my department at a prearranged
time and gave everyone 2 weeks notice.
Everyone except me.
My drivers are being let go, there jobs outsourced
to a commercial delivery service.
These men are my family.
I've worked with them for almost 6 years.
Each day, each week, I see and converse with them
more than my own son.
I felt totally deflated 20 minutes after the meeting
started.
Some of these hard working guys are in their 70's
and for at least one, it might be very difficult to get
a job in another company.
A good man, just old and a little crusty around the edges.
It's like they are all dying in front of my eyes.
Relationships, if only in the work world we shared,
will be ending.
It is a huge loss for me.

Sticks & Stones

You know the rest.
"will break your bones, but names will never hurt you".
At least that's what my adoptive mother used to tell me.
On the playground, names did hurt, along with punches to
the stomach.
Out of the mouths of babes... the words they used to taunt
with, hurt the worst.
Anyway, because of the way I grew up, and all the different
households I spent time in as I grew, I was called a lot of
things, not all of them proper names.
Never in one place for very long, I never had one first name
for very long.
Talk about identity theft.
These changes were due to adoption, and several sets
of foster parents.
Here's the run down on first names:
Christy Ann, Jocelyn, Jossie, Joss, Little Jo, Jo, Joie.
Guess that's not so many names now that I look at the list..
yet it's more than average.
I stopped identifying with a single name somewhere along
the line as a kid.
I just was.
Every time I was moved, new "parents" put their own spin
on my name, just a little different than the last.
Even my name wasn't built on solid ground..
I was "Jo" for a handful of years.
People who really knew me called me Jo, and I hated it.
I thought it was a dike name.
So when I went to trade school as a horribly shy, trying
to make it on my 17yr. old, and was taken around to be
introduced to the rest of the students, and mistakenly
introduced as "Joie", I was OK with it.
A new home, a new life, the first of my own making, and
a new first name.
Since then my last name has changed because of marriage,
and divorce, but I've been "Joie" for 34yrs.
So what I find amusing, is that now, when ever someone
calls me "Jo", due to a close friendship, ties to the past,
or mistake, I soften on the inside.
There isn't much difference between all the "J" names I've
had, not like going from Barbara to Darlene, or Susan to
Patty, but there is a subtle difference between them all,
and I am aware of each one deep in my skin.
They are invisible tattoos.
This morning as I walked by his office, I called in a cheery
"Good morning!" to the owner of the company.
He returned my greeting saying, "Hello Jo!".
He is the only one who shortens my already short handle,
the only one who uses that name here.
Somehow it gives him in intimacy with me.
One he isn't aware of...

Water Hog

Delaware River was high on the way home yesterday
and I was surprised, but also relieved, to find the road I
take to and from work that runs beside it on the PA side,
open.
When I came to the low spot on the road that the river
claims first as it rises and floods the area, it was my
first time going through high water in my Escort.
An Audi was coming south and I waited and watched it's
progress, judging if I should chance it. The driver hugged
the southbound shoulder for some reason, kicking up his
own deluge but making it to the other side. Clear of any
other traffic I chose the crown of the road as my path
through.
Even there the water was well on it's way up to the top of
my tires, and I wondered for a brief moment if I'd start
floating away..
Steady, steady, breath on hold down in my lungs, I had
25 ft to go and was beginning to feel relieved. Then, out
of no where, some ass-ness in a huge black truck came
barreling down the road towards me. Well I wasn't going
to move over to the right towards the river and into deeper
water, so I stayed where I was figuring the driver would
wait for me to get through.
No.
"Assness" had a big truck and he and his assness buddy
didn't have to wait for anybody, nor hell or high water.
Never slowed down, not a bit.
Charged through like an "F"ing rhinoceros, missed my
car by mere inches and the water his tires threw up
blinded me totally.
May he and his friend get an STD and may his children
torment him for the rest of his life!
And I hope his big, black, "I'm a bad ass!" truck, gets
repossessed.
On to a happier story.
Coaches gym has recovered from some basement
reconstruction. He had a water problem when it rained
and had someone in to fix it last week or so.
The gym was closed because of it.
Last night the floor was dry as a bone and with all the
rain we've had, I'd say the fix was well done and is an
issue he won't have to contend with again.
Felt good to pick up some dumb bells but I was surprised
that any finesse I'd had on the slide board had been lost.
Found some of it before the end of the hour and began to
enjoy it again.
Came home and did my PT exercises.
They make my lower back ache but I have been faithful
and do them every night.
No complaints from me this morning when I woke up and
found my back actually felt better than the day before.
League meet this Sunday and a two day league May 5-6Th.
I have no race expectations for Sunday.

April Showers

Rain is tapping against the window by my son's computer and
it's a pleasant sound. It'll make a perfect nap day..
When I took the dogs out this morning I noticed that the
daffodils I planted last year are finally opening up and
it doesn't feel cold enough for the snow they are calling for.
That's OK my me.
April is always a scatter brained month weather wise and I'm
looking forward to seeing my River Birch trees bud in the
next few weeks along with everything else.
Laid down 8 huge bags of mulch last week, my son got them
out of the car for me and positioned them near the flower beds
which helped a lot. Need to get another 12+ once the weather
clears up to do the job right. Swore last year with the hours of
weeding I did, that this year, I'd start mulching early, before the
weeds had a chance to take over.
Living in town, on a small narrow lot, there isn't much room, but
every tree and flower is appreciated and all bring me pleasure in
the summer months when I sit outside on the patio with a mug of
coffee early in the morning before it gets hot.
We have an active community of wildlife who share this patch
of earth with us, every type of small bird along with squirrels,
deer, skunks and one very, very fat ground hog that lives under a
neighbors shed.
Until I replace the siding on the house, which is ancient, we don't
have a lot of curb appeal, but I do the best I can to brighten the
area up by planting a few new varieties of inexpensive perennials
each year.
No word from the folks delivering the new mattress sets. My son
is getting one too. Thanks again Dad!
I've been sleeping under the electric blanket that came with the
new bedding and though I read somewhere that they aren't good
for you, I'm loving mine.
No socks needed anymore :)
You can warm your bed up before you even get in it!
If that ain't living I don't know what is.
And, instead of having 5 blankets weighing me down to the point I
can hardly move, I now only have 2.
What a luxury!
Worked almost 9 hours filing yesterday after getting up at 5am.
It showed when I went to practice.
Just could not get into gear.
Coach reminded me to scooter push off the wall, sometimes there
was room to do it and sometimes there didn't feel like there was.
My back felt strained and I was worried several times that I was
pushing my luck. I hate complaining, and I hate not being able to
stay in the pace line, when I should be able to.
Even moved up to the front of the lineup, where I haven't been in
along time and it was a bitter pill to swallow.
Towards the end of practice I ate half a protein bar in hopes of
boosting my energy level and we moved onto relays which I always
enjoy.
Unfortunately for me, because I'd moved myself closer to the
front of the lineup earlier, I was in the position to be first in
my relay group.
Which put me on the start line.
Unfortunately for me also, when the coach called the starters
of each group to the line, I got down like everyone else.
The first clue that this was a bad idea was the earlier fatigue in my
lower back, the second was when I found it challenging to even get
down into the starting position.
I haven't been doing starts for weeks now and last night wasn't when
I should have started.
All a right sided issue, and I felt it when we took off, felt the pull, felt
that "oh-no" feeling.
Finished the drill and had a few good laps that I thought felt strong.
Certainly better than what I'd produced earlier in the practice.
When I got home I got in a hot tub of water, carefully keeping my
right ankle out of the water. (Not supposed to soak my new hawk
tattoo till it's completely healed.)
Hurt last night in bed and this morning, and now..
Down starts are something I will need to discuss with Nick,
my PT guy when I see him Friday and I'll ask my coach to school
me in standing starts for the time being.
The season will really begin kicking in soon and I'm not feeling very
strong right now, but, I will persevere, and give it everything I've
got when the gun goes off.

Can You See Me Now?

Thursday night practice went better than outdoor did
on Tuesday and I walked out to my car afterwards feeling
like I was making progress and not moving backwards.
With my coach's legendary "eyes in the back of his head",
that see everything, even when you think he isn't looking,
he reminded me, when I forgot, that I'm not allowed to
do any straightaway pushes. And, that I'm supposed to
scooter push with my right foot going into the corner, not
cross.
It's going to be a hard habit to break. .
There are a handful of little things I need to remember now,
a handful of little things I need to put into practice, all in an
attempt not only to make me a better skater but to keep my
back from having a falling out.
Nick the PT guy will be happy that I am doing my exercises
everyday, usually in the evenings, funky things that the are.
I've decided that even though my copay is high, I'm going to
try to go to PT as long as I can dig up the money.
With my back having structural issues, and Nationals a few
months away, I think working with physical therapist will be
money well spent.

Tight Jeans

I don't like them anymore.
I used to like bras with under wires too, but I don't like
them anymore either.
Now, I like how I look in both, but don't like how they
make me feel in the long run.
Bunched up.
Comfort is the name of the game and cotton is the Queen
of comfort.
Cotton, in most forms, is so wonderfully soft and seems to
say, "put me on".."put me on"..
Oh baby!!
If they made sports bras in flannel they'd be my favorites
for the winter months.
So toasty...so lusciously comfortable, (in my imagination
at least), like the sheets on my bed.
I spend 6-7 hours a night nestled between flannel. Spring,
summer, winter and fall.
I'm thinking I can do without under pants too, they have seams
on the sides that rub me the wrong way when I wear tight pants
and I'm thinking about leaving them in my dresser drawer
from now on.
Heck, I change my jeans everyday, do I really need the extra
layer?

Relief In A Bottle

It was nice not to wake up off and on during the
night with a sore lower back. That's been the case
since this last episode started.
My PT exercises seemed to make it worse but before
going to bed last night I took a handful of ibuprofen
and acetaminophen and slept straight through till three.
A group of us met up at 6:30 pm for outdoor practice
yesterday and we dressed in various combinations of
clothes to ward off the cold.
And it was cold!
Several of us had beanies on under our helmets and I
even had gloves on.
Disappointing is the best way to describe how things
went down for me. My hamstrings and back did not
appreciate my asking them to work and I took several
breaks that I might not have without their complaints.
Towards the end of practice, (perhaps I'd finally warmed
up?), I had fun when we moved over to a different parking
lot that had a bit of a bank to it on both ends.
Once I got the lay of the land down and realized I could
handle the track, I had fun getting low and putting
in a few decent laps.
Still in all, I was slow and my body was not cooperating.
Oh well, some days are like that.

Permenent Pen

No stain remover is going to take this off!
LOL
This is my skater tattoo..
A stylized Hawk.

A Clear Picture

Made my first PT appointment yesterday morning, but
I was late due to an accident on the interstate.
Dr. Boetel had specifically chosen "Nick" to work with me
and I picked him out from all the other therapists before I
was finished with all the paper work.
He had the look of an athlete.
After introductions and a handshake, he walked me over to
a corner table in the glass paneled PT room and we started
in on his assessment of my condition.
I took my pants and sweat shirt off and stood there in the
running shorts and short sleeved shirt I had on underneath.
The exam was thorough.
After tucking the back of my shirt under the band of my
sports bra, so my back was visible, he palpated my spine
and we began in earnest.
Nick made notes in his laptop as we went along and started me
off with toe touches. He checked the movement of my spine with
his hands as I did them. Next he had me bend in every direction
while he watched.
Facing him, facing away from him.
He made notes.
Then he had me do just about the same thing but with his
fingers on the points of my hips.
I bent forward, sideways and later backwards.
Thirty minutes later I was on the table following his directions as
he bent this and that checking my leg length several times
and then my hips for muscle tightness.
He explained what he was finding as he went along, listened
to my questions and he was able to give me a clear picture of
what was going on.
I felt like we were partners in getting to the bottom of this
thing, he was a good communicator.
His findings?
I'm very flexible.
My legs, to his surprise, are symmetrical.
My left hip rotates normally but my right doesn't rotate at all.
My body has adjusted to this.
My lumbar vertebra don't bend in any direction.
Almost as if the are fused.
When I bend my back it comes from above the lumbar region which
isn't natural.
All that stresses my lower back, which is messed up anyway, and it's
why I have had all these lower back episodes, especially on my right
side.
So now I know.
Knowledge is a springboard for action.
And I'm off now to do my morning PT exercises..

Fly Like A Butterfly, Sting Like A Bee

Saturday a friend called me up and told me he was in
his car and had just heard about a Tattoo convention
going on this weekend in Reading, Pa., "Forged In Ink",
did I want to go?
Yes!
My first live look see into the people who live and breath
ink work.
I've purchased magazines and books, done research on
the Internet and pondered if I should.
And, if I should, what I should get.
'Cause what you get, is forever.
Some art work I came across turned me off completely,
some was so beautiful I didn't think I had the body for it.
What I originally wanted was a big Koi on my left thigh,
Good friend that he is, Bob counseled me to start with
something smaller.
Smaller to see if I could handle the pain.
Pain?
How much pain?
That's when I started asking the girls at work about the
art they'd had done.
Were they happy later with their decision to be inked?
Yes.
Did they have more than one?
Yes.
Did it hurt?
Not very much.
What did it hurt like?
"Stinging like a bee", "a burning sensation", "irritating",
but not bad at all.
Well, I can take a little pain.
So, I brought a picture of what I wanted with me, and
money, just in case I went for it. I was also open to do something
different if an artist's worked jumped out at me and said
"pick me!"
Things didn't start on time so we went out to have breakfast
and came back. By then vendors were arriving in dribs and
drabs and we began walking up and down the aisles
checking out "flash" and different portfolios.
There were lots of them.
Nothing spoke to me though I do tend to gravitate to
Asian art work and Northwest American Indian designs.
After awhile Bob had narrowed it down on one shop,
"Hammer and Nails".
LOL
Sounds so hard core!
He got things rolling and in no time I was pulling the picture
out of my pocket and going over my idea with one of the guys.
At my request we changed the wing pattern of the stylized
hawk I wanted on my upper right ankle but I didn't care for it
and knew the original idea was perfect as is.
Bob had worked up his own design for what he was getting and
after I was settled in it was his turn.
That's when I got a little nervous. After all, it's forever.
Was I ready?
Yeah, I was.
It was very cool to have our work done at the same time!
Did it hurt?
Well, if getting your leg sliced with a knife sounds like pain
to you, then I guess it did. The outline at least, but it was
tolerable, and I knew it was short term discomfort.
I'm I happy with what I did?
Yes.
I'm I happy with how it turned out?
Yes
Would I do it again?
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about what to get next
time!
LOL

Now I Lay Me..

down to sleep on the new bedding my Dad and his wife
bought me for my upcoming birthday!
It arrived Thursday, sans the mattress, but I figured I'd
try it out on my double even though it's meant to go on
the queen, that should be here in a few weeks.
The outfit is described, "This vintage inspired ensemble
has intricate stitching and features a romantic blend of
pink blush hues with coordinating paisleys and stripes".
Pale greens and tans too, with roses everywhere.
Compared to the solid forest green L.L. Bean down comforter
I've had on my bed for 7+ years, this set is really pretty
without being frilly.
I love it!
Even came with "accent" pillows :)
How girly, how cool!
Thanks dad!

DDD

Degenerative Disc Disease.
Well, that's not going away.
Me either, so now I go to the PT guy on Monday, get
evaluated, and we work on core strength and balance.
I have nothing that any needle, scalpel or chiropractic
manipulation will cure.
No, I have to go about it the hard way, I have to change.
Not only my muscles, but I need to learn to skate all over
again, in a different way, just when I was getting good at the
old way.
There's that word again!
Old.
Ack!
Will it ever stop?
No.
So, Doctor diagnoses me, I ponder the diagnosis, and then
decide how I want to play this game.
Yesterday was good for me.
Want to feel young? Check out all the crippled elderly folks
at a rehab center..
I learned that a Physicitrist's job is to check out what you
have going on in your body, and he puts a name to it. Then
he passes you along to the next guy.
Dr. Boetel told me that I have no nerve damage, just an old,
damaged back that I have to live with. And it won't get better.
It will be an ongoing issue, just like now.
Does the shape and condition of my back have anything to do
with my balance issues?
It's very likely.
So I'm a klutz, but I have an excuse. LOL
Anyway, I called my coach after my visit to let him know
what was going on and he devised a fiendish plan of torture
to "make" me learn to lean over the wheels on my left boot.
It works, I'll give him that.
(That man is always thinking of the skaters on his team and
how to make them better)
This new "plan" works things that aren't used to working
and they bitched about it when I rolled off the floor last night
and all the way home.
Liked skating the other way better...
I like donuts too but they aren't good for me so I had to give
them up.
But giving up the way I skate around a 100m track for a new
one, might be more difficult than giving up donuts..

Compensation

Haven't been skating so I've been eating crap instead.
All the stuff I normally stay away from, for the most
part, I've been busy "stuffing" in my mouth.
Pain management of a sort I guess.
This thing with my back is good.
Coming to a head the way it has, going to the Doctor,
getting X-rays, and this morning going to see a Physicitrist.
As anyone who has read my blog knows, I have been
struggling with my increasing age, and with the blatant
signs that I am not a youngster anymore.
Almost all of this is ego.
I don't like what I see and have been fighting it.
Fighting against who I have become.
Guess aging gracefully is going to take longer than I thought..
LOL
I've been feeling depressed this week, yet now, I'm in the
process of getting a clearer picture of what I have and what
I can do about it.
With the possibility that I won't be able to skate, (very
doubtful) I've had to clarify my goals so I can tell the
Physicitrist exactly what it is I want, and need to do.
Defining my goals again has put some of the wind back
in my sails.
Defining what I want to "do", has taken the focus off
what I can not control, the passing years and the effect
they have had on my body.
It's about the doing.
It's in the doing I find satisfaction.

Stinkin' Thinkin

Going to stop now.

Old Thoughts

Like those "really" old people who compare their aches
and pains.
That's me and I have to stop.
Boo-boos aren't that interesting after the bloods been
cleaned up, and my issue didn't even include blood.
Last night I was feeling sorry for myself. It was a
beautiful evening, my Team was gathering to skate
outdoors, and I wasn't going.
I need to be out there skating.
Because if I'm not it's too easy to find chores to do at
home and make excuses.
There is a certain mind set I need to have to skate my
best, and with my skate bag in a corner, and six paper
X-rays of my lower back in my hand, I start thinking it
might be better to take up gardening.
It's fascinating to me to see the bones in my spine though.
I turn each picture and lay it against my stomach trying
to get a feel for where exactly the curve that's not supposed
to be there is, and where the one that's supposed to be
there isn't.
Never thought about my back much except when it hurt,
which lately has been often, and now it's like a bad secret
has come out from under wraps and I want to know all
the details.
When my son saw the X-rays, first words out of his mouth
were, " I bet that's from when that horse fell on top of you".
Maybe, maybe not.
Doesn't matter, done is done and now I have to figure out
how to maximize it's usage without making me a cripple.
So I've been going over in my mind what to tell this Doctor
tomorrow, how to explain what it is that I do and what I
want to do.
At first in my minds eye I was describing myself as a fit
inline speedskater, who raced regularly and was going to
Nationals in 3 months.
Then I recalled the reflection I saw as I stood in the middle
of the small changing room at the imaging center last Friday.
Why they have a huge mirror in there is beyond me, but
as I took my street clothes off to put on the gown, I glanced
in the mirror and what I beheld was a stooped over, lumpy
version of me.
I was a pudgy old lady.
Almost cried right there..
My illusion of being fit flew out the window.
I want my illusion back!

Ain't No Big Thang

Scoliosis and moderate degenerative changes in my
L2-L3 through L4-L5. Some disc space narrowing
and sclerosis of the endplates at the same level, but
I have well mineralized bones.
Translation means, I might be a little crooked and I
might have osteoarthritis, but I don't have osteoporosis.
I'll take my blessings where I find them.
Osteoarthritis is common in women 45 and up. After
all the farm work I did, after all the horses I got bucked
off of, after having one mare fall over backwards and
land on top of me, laying me up for months, it just doesn't
surprise me. My lower back has been well used and abused.
Add to that all the falls I've taken on skates in the last
three years, 99% of the time landing on my ass, and you
get the picture.
I could have lived without the gallstones they found on
the X-rays..
What they heck, they haven't bothered me so far, perhaps
they never will.
Called my Dad on the way home from work to let him
know the results, and that's when I found out that he has
scoliosis too.
It's a family affair.
Now I've known since I found him two years ago that his
hips bothered him, but he never shared about the other
thing.
All makes sense, these on again, off again issues with
my lower back, including horrible Sciatica, which thank
you Jesus I haven't had in a long time. And it's going to
happen again.
Small stuff though.
So much better than being dead.
I can deal with it.
My appointment with the Physicitrist is in two days,
we'll go over the report, see if there are any limits to what
I can do, and I'll find out how to strengthen that area and
make the best out of what I've got.
My Dad, God bless his 76 yr. old heart, wanted to know
if this meant I wouldn't be going to Omaha now.
Nationals.
"Is that such a good idea?" he asked.
"Dad, I'm just starting to skate good, I'm not going to stop
now".

Pay The Piper

And so I did last night and this morning.
Sleeping and getting out of bed was a struggle,
but since I got to skate at Sundays practice it
was worth it.
Hadn't planned on participating when I got to the
rink. What I'd had in mind was more of a roll around
to see how things felt.
I'd only missed one practice yet felt like I had been
away longer. It was good to see my second family
again and several members inquired as to how I was
feeling.
With caution I tested my limits wondering if at any
moment I'd seize up and that would be that. Tender,
sore, weak, yes, but I was able to make the moves
without extreme discomfort.
So, next time the pace line formed up for a little "catch
the pack", I got on the back. No catching for me but I
was happy to be back in line.
Only towards the very end of the drill did my lower
back want to give up on me, so not wanting to push
my luck, I called myself out and rolled right towards
the wall.
Later Bob took me aside and gave me some
instruction on leaning the wheels of my left boot over
to the left.
Not something I come by naturally and one of the
reasons he feels my back going out.
Recently I've moved up a notch in speed and keeping
that left foot upright while the rest of my body tries to
lean to the left is causing back strain.
Between Bob and the Physicitrist, I'm sure we'll
figure it all out and I'll be skating better than ever in the
weeks and months ahead.
Yesterday was Coach Bob's birthday and we had
birthday relays, cupcakes and the off key singing of
"Happy Birthday" to honor his special day :)
We are fortunate as a Team that not only is he great guy,
and fun to be around, but he is the best coach in our League
if not the whole East Coast.
Thanks Coach for all you do for us!!