They Say..

Taurus's are stubborn.
It's more I think, that we are persistent and determined
once we get our mind set on something.
Now getting my mind set on something can take awhile.
It's in my nature to live and let live, and to try to see all
points of view.
Right and wrong?
It's all relative depending on where you are standing.
Religion?
All path's lead to God.
Is light the left hand of darkness?
Or is darkness the left hand of light?
Didn't God say "Let There Be Light!", from where he was
in the dark?
God was in the dark...interesting..
Everything we are came out of the same place.
What we all call, good and bad.
Can God be against himself/herself?
See what I mean?
Anyway, mostly I try to stay in the light, away from the
more unpleasant aspects of life.
I know about them, I've been involved here and there, but
I try my best to walk on the sunny side of the street.
And I make a good effort to stay away from anything that
hurts.
That doesn't always work, but I don't look for pain and avoid
it as much as possible.
Being an athlete, this doesn't work in my favor so much.
No pain, no gain it's said.
By somebody else, not me.
At the same time, I'm tough.
And in me somewhere, resides a warrior.
An old example.
Many years ago I was training a flaky Egyptian Arab, a gelding.
Bought him cheap if I didn't get him for free.
His was related to an filly I rode regularly and I had a soft spot
for him, but he was unpredictable.
Long story short I was on the farm by myself one afternoon,
had him saddled up, put my left foot in the stirrup to mount
and off he walked.
Lost my balance when my leg stretched out further and further
and he refused to stop. When I finally got it out I landed
awkwardly.
In slow motion I watched as my ankle went all the way to the left
touching the grass and all the way to the right doing the same.
This with my foot on the ground.
I thought, "I didn't know your ankle could do that.."
It shouldn't.
It did.
The gelding kept walking away and moments later I was in
severe pain.
I'd sprained my ankle.
Bad.
With no one around, and no one coming, it was up to me to get
the horse, un-tack him, and put him away before I went up to
the farm house to access the damage and get some ice.
Eating grass by this time, I couldn't just leave him to roam,
though it occurred to me to leave him to his own devices.
Luckily we were not far from the barn.
I had no insurance.
I had 27 horses to take care of.
So I did, inching my way from the house to the barn for a week,
twice a day, through the chores, till I couldn't take the pain anymore ,
caved, and went to see the Doctor out of pocket.
When I pulled my sock off to show him my ankle, his eyes opened
wide and he asked when I'd done it, so I told him and he slowly shook
his head.
My ankle was not only swollen, it was completely black.
I was in an air cast all summer.
The tough comes out when the hurt gets bad but I'm a wussy otherwise.
My back is killing me, strangers can see it in my eyes, but here I am
filing for nine hours on a Saturday.
Doing it anyway I can manage.
It's when I fall in a race and I'm off the back with no hope to win that
I pull out the tough.
When my body tells me no, well, that's when I want to go.
Weird.

Pain, Pain Go Away

Nothing like a little back problem to set the rest of your
world to rights.
With my mind firmly involved with just driving my car
or getting up and down, or moving in any direction, every
thing else seems wonderful.
I started bargaining with God a bit.
"If" this would just go away, "I'll" be more appreciative of
"this & that" and not take so much for granted.
My life truly is a good one all around though and usually I
am very grateful..
After breaking down the day before, I broke down yesterday
after a early cell phone call from my coach asking how my
back was and about my insurance plan.
He thought it was time to see a Doctor.
I didn't, but changed my mind.
This is getting older than I am, this issue with my back.
Lucky me I was able to get an appointment that afternoon,
I was sent for X rays which were quite uncomfortable to take,
and given the name of a Physicitrist.
Never heard of one and still can not pronounce it.
I'm seeing one Thursday morning and hope is we can figure
this out and get me firing on all eights soon.

And So It Goes

Sometimes you run into bad luck, or it runs into you.
At practice last night my lower back went out, again.
Just when things were going pretty good makes this
a bit hard to take, but it happened, and now I have to
deal with it.
Coming in the door I felt fine, I haven't had a serious
back issue for a few weeks now, and there were no
warning signs before I booted up.
As soon as the pace line formed I noticed that when I
crossed over with my right foot I was reaching further
to the inside than I ever have before.
It was comfortable and my thought was I'd brought it
in from our outdoor practice on Tuesday.
The floor wasn't tight and when I pushed out towards
the wall with that leg it wouldn't hold at the furthest
part of the extension.
It didn't shake me up or anything but after a while I
shortened up the stroke to minimize slippage.
About 20 minutes into our warm up pace line, we
were doing catch the pack, I'd been called out three times
and the right side of my lower back started to feel strained.
For a moment as we went around the track it came to me
that outdoor and indoor are not the same thing and the
foot work is different.
When the pace picked up I got out of line so a gap wouldn't
open, me not being at 100%, I knew it was not going to help
matters to push beyond what I'd already done.
So Coach calls an end to warm up, we roll off the floor, and
on my way to sit down and get a drink I feel it go with one
push of my right leg.
"F" me.
Gently stretching to see if it's just a tight muscle when we
are called back out I go because I hope for the best and don't
want to be a wimp.
Passing drill is on tap and I do it but when I get to the front
of the line after my turn I can not maintain a bent back and
know I'm done for the night.
The drive home was silent and depressing.
This morning I had to slither out of bed and onto my knees
so I could ease my way into standing up.
That after taking a hand full of drugs before going to bed.
Not a good sign.
Well.
You have to roll with the punches and I guess it's my turn to
do it again.

Low Down

Skipped staying to file last night.
Felt sick all afternoon, woozy and queasy
and along with the cold I just started , I thought
it was smarter to get home and have some
down time.
Could hardly drag myself out of bed this
morning and lay there an extra 30 minutes
half afraid I'd fall back asleep and fail to get
my son up for school.
Part of me wants to stay home and spend the
day in bed and the other part doesn't want to
use a sick day.
Of course I'll go in.
Worse comes to worse I'll come home early.
Two more "Sopranos" DVD's from NetFlix were
waiting for me in the mail box with I got home
yesterday so I started dinner, a load of laundry,
then laid down on the living room floor with my
head on a pillow and continued my journey through
the third season before going to bed at 9pm.
I don't like the series quite as much as I did the
"West Wing", but outside of the violence, it is very
much worth watching.
Talked to the girls upstairs in the office about my
tattoo in the making and still get a kick out of the
fact that the office manager, the most respected
woman up there, has three, she's in her early
60's and got them last year.
Another younger woman has one on her lower back
and a third gal wants one but hasn't gotten it yet.
Oh, and of the five women up there, all ages, 4 color
their hair because they are either gray or going there
rapidly.

This Time..

I'm really going to do it.
Nothing will change my mind..
Any fear will be squashed as it arises.
Any doubt ignored.
Culture pressure will be tossed aside.
This time, unlike last time, I am going
to say "No thanks".
When I sit myself down in Nichole's chair
at my local salon in a few days and she
asks, "are we doing the same color as last
time?", I'm going to say, "Just a trim please".
I am not, will not, color my hair any longer.
It's hair, and nature and time are having
their way with it.
"F" this trying to stay young looking.
I am not a breeder anymore!
Guys go gray.
I don't dismiss them when the silver starts
showing, nor when they start losing their hair
either.
Well, I just refuse to ride on the "look as young
as you can, for as long as you can" train any
longer.
This woman is getting off at the station and
is walking the rest of her way home.
Truth is, I resent feeling bad about something
that is totally natural.
We're all doing it, and time is playing with all
of us.
I'm going out gracefully, ala natural, and that's
that.
So there.
The revolution will not be televised.

Outdoor Pracice

Our first as a team since last year and we met up
over at Emmrick Blvd. with skaters pulling into the
parking lot from 6-6:30pm.
We could not have asked for a nicer evening and I'm
sure the warm temps played a part in every ones
good mood.
That, and getting to open it up in a decent sized
parking lot instead of the confines of a 100m indoor
track.
What would have made it perfect was if the surface
had been totally dry, but it wasn't so we rolled through
the wet spots and I spent a good deal of time cleaning
my boots, bearings and wheels after I got home.
It was worth it though, to be with my team mates, out
in the sun and fresh air, enjoying what we all hold in
common, a love of speed skating.
It being the first outing of the new season I was happy
with the small improvements I've made over the winter.
Over all, my observation is that I am stronger.
Balance is better, and I can glide comfortably on one
foot longer.
Love that stroke and glide..
Passing doesn't freak me out anymore as long as the
speed of the pace line is within my ever changing limits.
And last night I had fun with it though I have more to
learn about that skill and the difference between indoor
and outdoor passing.
One of the great things about having hung in there through
the tough times, often being pulled, prodded and pushed along
by my coach and team mates, is that now, (at last!), instead of
everything being a struggle, I can actually have fun along with
the work.
No more feeling queasy going to practice either.
It's the small things in life that bring me the most
joy!

PS. Not that I liked waking up multiple times during the
night like I have for the past year or so, but at least I knew,
because I was awake so often, when I was actually sleeping.
Last night, and on gym nights, my head hits the pillow and
next thing I know the alarm is going off and it's time to wake
up to the new day.
Huh?
Where did all those hours of the night go?

Improvments

The weather is improving everyday, the new build
next door has had it's first family move in, not the
side of the twin that's next to me though.
When I got home late yesterday afternoon I worked
in my flowers beds for half an hour and plan on
getting a few bags of mulch to lay down to keep the
weeds in check this season.
After I finished, I sat down on my little patio area
and considered what else I should plant to block
the view I have of street traffic and give the space a
feeling of more privacy.
It's a very pleasant location to sit on summer mornings
with a mug of coffee and a book.
Gym night and four of us took advantage of the
opportunity to pump it up. And that means different
things to each of us.
We're all doing our own thing but the camaraderie
is priceless and makes the time fly by.
I'm not doing anything very interesting, just the
usual DB squats, Lunges, DB Good mornings, Arnolds,
and Isolation curls.
The slide board is becoming fun. When we started I
couldn't get the hang of the balance aspect, (no surprise
there) but after a hand full of sessions I'm beginning
to get a groove on.
We have two now and they face each so the wait for
your turn has been cut in half.
First time I faced another person sliding in front of me,
instead of the usual empty space, it was disconcerting.
I found that we ended up being in sync as one person
was absorbed into the rhythm of the other.
Kinda cool.
Three sessions ago I was doing 2 minutes at a shot,
moved up to 4 minutes on the next visit, 8 minutes the
one after that, and last night grooved out 10, 14, and 5
minute sets.
I did break out some beads of sweat on the 14.
Hey, more improvements are being made to the
gym itself.
We have a juice bar!
Is a towel service next?
Tonight we are having out 1st outdoor practice of the
season and it should be interesting to see how I feel on
the 100's outdoors.

Charity Ride

The clouds cleared, the temps went up and there
was a very nice turn out for Hellertown Fire Victims
Fund ride yesterday.
For many of us it was the first ride of the season or
for those who use an indoor trainer, the first one
outside.
A bike for everybody and every "body" for a bike.
You name the brand and it was there in front of the
fire house. Some serious looking machines, their riders
wearing jerseys in multiple color combinations.
Tri bikes, racers, old, new, and at least one with
training wheels.
My burning quads told me during the hill sections
that it had been half a year since I'd hit the roads
and eagerly reminded me that skating and cycling
are not the same thing.
Didn't have to be much of a hill either, especially
in the beginning.
Those guys on their MTB's have a gear for every
occasion and I was wishing my compact double had
another one or two.
It's not that I can't get up a hill, I can, but it's slow
going.
Even when I have more miles on my legs the hills
always burn. I'd just conveniently forgotten that
part of it.
Our friendly group of six picked the middle distance
out of the three offered.
There was a 6, 15 and 25 miler.
Hard core Joe's took the 25 with "crushing" hills.
God bless 'em!
Registration was easy, the lines weren't too long
and there were tables full of yummy snacks for
before and after.
We partook at both opportunities :)
By the time we got back to my house, where our
group had meet up, and everyone had changed back
into street clothes and put their bikes away, there was
only an hour or so before indoor practice started so
everyone took off in that direction.
I changed into a pair of shorts and laid out in the sun
for a few minutes before getting ready to head over
myself.
But my son's physic's project threw a monkey wrench
into my time schedule. Walking out the back door he
told me his project needed last minute supplies and
asked if I could drive him to Emmaus.
My quads didn't mind the change of plan at all..

1st Ride Of The Season

And it's one for the displaced families of a fire
in town here a few weeks back.
Last night I started gathering cycling items from
this corner and that closet, hardly remembering
where I put all those little odds and ends after last
seasons final ride.
Biggest question is what to wear..
Do I want to be cold or too hot?
Dog woke me up earlier than I wanted to rise, but
ya gotta go when ya gotta go.
Several team mates are meeting up here and we'll
ride down town to the registration location.
There isn't any sun coming through the cloud cover
but the rain from last night has moved out.
I'll report back later.

Back To The Weight

Just two of us at the gym last night.
Toned down the reps on the Arnolds
and was thoughtful of my back which
has been showing signs of a blow out.
No Captains Chair, no lunges with DB's.
Arms are responding to the work though
and that's nice.
Set a new personal record on the slideboard.
I've gone from starting at 2 minutes,
moved to 4, and last night started with
8 minutes and then did two 7's.
Coach was right, I can see myself working
up to 20 minutes in the future.
Felt the last 7 in my lower back, but so
far this morning feel OK.
Today I've nine hours of filing on tap,
up and down, up and down.
It's a back workout all it's own.

Just Do It

Now that I'm going to indoor practice twice
a week, instead of three or four, I do wonder if
I'm losing any fitness.
The crank factor has definitely toned down though
and I'm thankful for that, so are the guys I work
with! LOL
Felt the burn in my legs last night during relays
and didn't know if it was lack of practice or the
fact that my dinner was from Subway and not
a bowl of oatmeal. Problem is I'm getting really
tired of the Quaker Oat man.
Anyway, received a few pointers from my coach
last night and set out to put them into use right
away.
One is to carry my weight and body over the in
side knee on the corners and the other is to get
my head lower.
Getting lower is the trick to carrying the speed
I'm creating now and falling on my rear end twice
during the last Meet was the result of being too
upright and having my feet get out ahead of the
rest of me.
Evolution.
When I stand on the podium, I am the picture
of evolution.
If I can do it, if I can become a speed skater, if I
can excel, anyone can.
Trick is to have a great coach and supportive team
mates, like we do.
Then you have to keep picking yourself up when
you fall, get to practice whether you feel like it or
not, and have faith that it will all come when the
days turn to months, and then years and your still
at the front of the line.
Then, when you lose faith, someone else has to be
there to have it for you.
When I look back on my time in that spot, one that
is no longer mine, I know I paid my dues, like other
beginners are doing now.
Though I might not have been very fast on the uptake,
I will be one of the better skaters my age when it's all
said and done.
Hubris?
No.
A fact.

Dream Time

I've been having some vivid dreams lately and as
is common, I dream in color and am aware I'm
dreaming.
Aware, but I let it go, and don't make any effort to
control what happens.
And I am so transparent!
What a laugh!
So in my dream I'm at what looks to be a Navel
training center with my son, standing at a desk in a
waiting room with young men and women all around
me who are busy putting last minute details together
for their soon to begin training and service.
I notice small things, like how each recruit gets to choose
a nickname and have a little pin on their blouse that
signifies their choice.
One girl has picked "Snowball".
(hey it's a dream!)
Stadium seating rises up behind a long glass
window and overlooks the initial phase of training.
So, those waiting get to see what they are in for and
just what it is exactly they will have to endure.
Below us is a twisting frame work of metal on several
levels with ramps to crawl up and fire hoses at the ready
to spray freezing water on trainees as they pass by.
I watch for some time and looking behind me see that
almost everyone preparing to go out the door and take
their turn is cute, blond and female.
Wow I think, not a plain girl in sight.
There is no number, no line, no official calling your name.
You go when you are ready.
And no one waits for long.
It's all about walking forward to what they know will be
hard, what these volunteer recruits know will challenge
them and cause them to suffer, for awhile.
They also know they will likely come out the other end
battered and bruised a bit, but whole, and on their way
to being pilots and the like.
A girl behind me asks when I'll be going down to take
my turn and I tell her that I'm 51 and too old, though I
would have wanted to do it when I was younger.
She tells me I don't look my age and should think about
joining up anyway.
Sure, it will be hard she says, but the pain doesn't last
forever.
I think about that for a moment and know it's true.
Pain never lasts forever..
I need to remember that..
Then I remember something else.
I'm not blond, or cute.
I am not what they are..
And I wake up.
Yeah..

Odds & Ends

Woke up with a sore back.
It was fine yesterday..maybe it's all the bending
over when I file.
Something I cut short last night. Stayed two
hours instead of four. The sun was calling my
name and I didn't want to drive home in the dark.
Which means tonight I have to stay to finish my
commitment.
My EBay purchase, "The Illustrated Woman"
arrived in the mail yesterday.
I bought it because I am interested in what type
of ink women put on their bodies and what type
of women they are.
Yeah. I'm judgemental.
I don't want to be, but this stuff pops into my head
without asking.
Maybe it's not really judging people..maybe it's
more along the lines of, "I don't want to look like that".
Or, "That's really nice..could I wear that the rest of
my life?"
All comes down to the BIG question.
What do I want?
What I'm I willing to commit to?
What do I want to put my heart into?
Three questions, but all the same thing..
Then there is..
Who and what am I giving up on.
(Gotta let some people and stuff go soon..)
At times I wish the fuel of my life wasn't feelings..

My boss isn't talking me.
He's giving the job I wanted, the one he has offered
me twice, to someone else, again.
I think he feels conflicted about how it went down
and needs some time to pass before we return to
our previously comfortable relationship.
OK.
Count your blessings..
I have a good position and can only think that I'm
meant to stay in it for now.

My Dad is moving along with my birthday present
of a new bed and the bedding to go with it.
God bless him, but I don't get to choose the bed or
mattress which is kinda scary.
Especially with my back and it's history.
A bed is pretty personal. Like the type of under
pants you favor.
Having someone go out and buy you "personal
wear" is asking for a trip to the return department,
or a long stay of the item/s in the bottom of your
dresser drawer.
I hope this has a good ending...

Spring is here and I have a boat load of things that
need doing in and around the house this year.
I've gotten away with putting stuff off but can't
let it slide anymore.
Painting is one thing. What was decent looking when
I signed my name to the mortgage 4 years ago, can't
be called anything other than shabby now..

Lift Night

Had a good time last night in our coaches basement
gym.
Lots of laughs during and between sets!
Time flew by and I left the MP3 player at home on
purpose.
Thought my time on the slide board would crawl by
without it but it wasn't the case at all.
Fact is, I'm sorta getting the hang of it now and find
it relaxing.
In the comfort of the moment, I expressed to
our small group my heart felt desire the crank out
a strong fast 500m.
No.
Not one, but many.
It's what I "see" coming.
Around a corner or two.
It's there waiting for me.

Weather Wise

Wasn't something I was when I woke up
at 5am on Saturday and went out to shovel
the driveway and clear the car of the packed
on icy mix so my son and I could get to work.
As is usual in our town, the side streets were
a mess.
Main Street had been plowed, but even so
it was snow covered, and I knew it would be a
20mph crawl to Flemington.
Wasn't so bad for the first 40minutes, I've
been driving for 35 years and know the drill.
Adventure began when we got to Rt.32, which
is a narrow single lane running south bordering
the canal along with the Delaware river beside it.
It was closed, and a man in a big plow truck was
stationed at it's entrance to steer us to a alternate
route.
His directions were to go up Rt.611 to the light,
did I know where that was?
Sure. Knowing the road I would turn onto there
had a long hill going in and huge steep one coming
out, the last dumping us back down along the river,
I asked if the road was in good shape.
"Yeah, I just plowed that".
So that's the way we went.
The road was in horrible condition and I wondered
what light he had been talking about..
Within 5 minutes my heart was nearing my throat,
and in 10 I had to gulp a few times to keep it from
flying out of my mouth.
We finally made it to the top of the really steep hill
that goes back down to the river, and found two county
trucks blocking our way.
They were clearing the street to the right of us and
pushing all the snow across the road in front of our car.
There was no choice but to wait till they were done before
continuing on.
When they were finished one of the men walked over
and said that we could go down the hill but to take it slow.
"It's really steep".
Yeah..
By this time we had been joined by a woman in a 4 wheel
drive Jeep heading to Milford to open the Post Office and
I let her go down ahead of me.
Well.
I can only thank Jesus that no one was trying to get up
as we were going down..
'Cause if that was plowed, I'm a woman of color.
We got to the bottom of the hill and that's where the real
adventure began.
River Road had not been plowed.
I repeat.
Had not been plowed.
At all.
And my little Escort coupe thought I had lost my mind
asking her to traverse the wilderness illuminated by
her headlights.
So did I.
The option to keep moving forward, or stop and be
stuck for sure, set our course, and we struggled through,
inching our way closer to Milford, where the roads would
be in better condition.
We got there.
And they weren't.
Amazingly, the town hadn't been plowed either.
"The Baker" was open though and I stopped out front
in the road, put my flashers on, and we made our Saturday
pick up of a fresh muffin a piece and a tall coffee for me.
From there on conditions gradually improved and we were
only 45 minutes late.
Next time, we stay home and call it another snow day..

SnowDay/Mental Health Day

Call it what you will, I called out this morning
as the nasty weather moved in.
Got up normal time, and though conditions
weren't bad, the weather forecaster predicted
they were going to get worse and I didn't want
to have to drive home on icy roads.
Drove down to the market early and stocked up.
Not because of the storm, just because it was
needed.
Tomorrow I'll be filing for 9 hours straight so
getting caught up on the to do list before the
weekend was a treat.
Practice went well last night.
We finished up with relays and I think I'm using
my arms better. Not always, but more often.
Now if I could just have quieter feet...

Future Events

A few days ago a book I am reading asked me to
list five things I want to accomplish in the next
20 years.
Picking it up off the dresser next to my bed last
night, I flipped through the pages and reviewed
the what I had written.
1) Kayak the Puget Sound for a week
2) Learn to rock climb
3) Win Nationals
4) Spend a summer at the beach
5) Take a train across Canada
Not a very imaginative, nor a very exciting list.
No travel to foreign locals, no wild adventure in
the jungles of Borneo, no get together with my
favorite rock star.
No mention of getting a tattoo.
That's a given.
I want my grandchildren to see I lived a life
where I colored outside the lines at least once
in awhile.
That type of thought is on my mind more
and more lately.
Coloring outside the lines.
A return to adolescence?
A return to the question of my teen aged self,
what's it all about Alfie?
Back then the years stretched out in front of me
like the contents of the Milky Way.
Barely visible on a clear night, you knew all
those countless years where ahead of you but
you couldn't fathom the distance involved.
It was spooky.
Now, the view has changed, I've added a few
stars of my own to the galaxy of human experience,
and the night sky beckons with a different call.
It's still spooky, only in a different way.
What do you want your life to be about now?
Same question but without the endless days
and nights to fill, or waste at my discretion.
Bonnie Raitt's song, "Nick Of Time" comes to
mind.
" I see my folks are getting old and I watch
their bodies change, I know they see they same
in me and it makes us both feel strange.
No matter what you tell yourself, it's what we
all go though.
Those lines are pretty hard to take when they're
staring back at you"
Oh yeah Bonnie. You got that right.
I find it funny that I was originally told about that
song many years ago by a friend I hung out with
at the small local airport where I was a glider pilot
and gave rides to strangers on hot summer afternoons.
He was half way to 60, a pilot himself and thinking
about retiring. He was also thinking about the years
that were no longer endless and facing the fact that
life is short, and his was getting shorter.
Don looked fine to me, his face was getting craggy, but
he was active, rode a motorcycle, flew a variety of planes
and was learning to fly a helicopter.
I didn't get his concern.
I was also twenty years younger than he was.
From where I stand now, looking back, I get it.
The press of what was always there.
For all of us, of every age.
Limited time.
One of Don's favorite sayings was, " this isn't a dress
rehearsal"
This is it.
All you get.
Make it good.

Warm Breeze

Relaxing into the evening felt great as I
drove home from work yesterday.
The bank clock read 77 degrees as I passed
by and the smile that was on my face when
I'd punched out of work 15 minutes early and
walked over to my car was still there.
The warm spell is not here to stay, but
we were digging it while it lasted and it effects
showed in generous moods and open windows.
Jackets were tossed aside and shirtsleeves
rolled up.
It was a sweet preview of things to come.
Since I'd stayed after work and filed for my
required weekly 4 hrs Tuesday, I was off the
hook till Saturday and had a free night to myself.
Nice.
Very nice.
Relaxing, satisfying and pleasing..
I could have taken the Litespeed out, but it
started to drizzle and truth is the hand full of
hours I had before bedtime was better spent
just being, not doing.
Tonight is our short, late practice and I am
looking forward to it.

Spring

Is playing with us.
It's that time of year.
Warm for a few days, cold for a few.
It's all good because soon the trees will start
to bud and the grass will turn bright green and
the temps will stay warm and we will all bust
out of winter and into the vibrancy and
joy of summer!
Skating outdoors, cycling, flowers, fresh air coming
through open windows...
Ahhhh....

Body Art

It's a common sight to see full sleeves of ink
peeking out from the cuffs of a mans shirt,
or from under the shoulder strap of a woman's
summer top.
Tats come in every shape and size. Black and
white, and in each and every color combination.
The bright primary colors of Crayolas, the
elegant tones of a Japanese woodcut.
Blending style or lack of, with an array of meaning,
just like the people who own them, they are
unique.
And own them they do because unlike a bad
hair cut, ink doesn't grow out.
Once you have it, it's yours for life.
So I've been spending much of my time lately
delving into the process of getting inked.
And the deeper I travel inward the further I
move away I from the simplistic choices I
started out with.
"A living canvas", were the words my friend
used when I showed him the back work on
various men and women I'd printed off the
Internet.
Yes, women too.
And a stunning mix of ink and and human
form it was.
Beautiful colors and curves..
Like paintings in the National Art Gallery.
Yet these don't hang on a cold wall, they move
and pulsate with life..live and breathe..people
walking beside us everyday wrapped, silk like,
in shapes and stories.
Covered in work day clothes, we don't know
them to see them.. hidden art, rare art.
I am overwhelmed with the possibilities..

Review

I'm tried.
I'm doing too much.
I'm not very happy.
Time to get off the bus.
Time to walk, not run.
Time to slow things down..

Running Late

I'm late.
For being on time.
A creature of ingrained habits, I'm running behind schedule
this year.
The air currants are whispering "spring!", and the scent has
just now reached my nostrils.
And it's trouble in paradise.
My passion for skating has died out, just as the flowers along
side my house have awakened from their winter rest and are
beginning to poke their heads out of the defrosting ground.
Hand in hand, one follows the other every year.
My entire being rebels against going inside a stuffy, smelly
rink during daylight hours when I could be outside starting
to work in my flowers beds or be on my bike cruising
country roads.
What's totally acceptable in the dark winter months, doesn't
wash in spring.
Unlike previous years, where I dumped indoor practice for
outdoor, I have made commitments to teammates for
Nationals in 4 months, and don't have the luxury of heeding
the call of the wild.
Yikes..
The moment I walked in the door of the rink last night for
practice I was battling, "should I stay or should I go?".
Hanging on I made it through dryland, warm up in the
opposite direction and the first minute or two a regular
paceline routine of five laps each.
The first leader seemed to be going around and around
and around forever, and I wondered if he was counting.
( aren't you done yet?, let's move on guy..)
But the straw that tipped me out the door was the skater
behind me constantly using my back to "firmly" control
his speed even at the slow pace we were going. I wanted
to turn around and slug him.
Or bite his head off and spit it out..
Not a good sign.
Not good at all.
I was cranky, and spoiling for a fight...
Do I have an excuse?
Well, I've been worn out since Roanoke, plus I started
working longer hours on the job, and I picked up lifting
twice a week, and I feel a pressure to preform that
I never have before.
Wah, wah, wah...
With faster skaters pointing out areas where I can improve,
in the state of mind I've been in I want to share my thoughts
on their skating right back at them.
And it's not all pretty..
Like..
So, why, when we're not "supposed" to be taking strokes on
the long side, you do it all the time?
Is that how you keep your speed up?
Maybe if you did it like you were supposed to, like the coach
has told us to do it, over and over, you wouldn't have been
out ahead of me during that last drill, the one you later had
a helpful pointer to share with me about my skating and how
I could improve.
"Kiss my grits!"
See where this is going?
I've become a crank, a judgemental crank.
Trying to keep up with people 20yrs my junior, and other
ones that are bigger, or all the ones who are simply better.
And once you get faster, everyone expects you to go even
faster.
If you pass one person they want you to pass everybody.
And if you don't do either of the above, well, your not
trying hard enough.
OK.
I need to re-group, re-access, reform...

Tribal Affairs

We all belong to a tribe or two.
Or three.
Our work tribe, our social tribe, our family tribe.
A culture tribe, a sport tribe.
Some have known, and some, unspoken, rules.
For instance.
You don't go to work in your pajamas.
You don't cut in line.
You don't pick your nose in public.
Ladies first. (well that's dying off..)
Play far.
Other rules are more subtle.
At my stage in life, I'm used to moving out
of one tribe and into the next smoothly, but
lately I've been thrown off a lot.
Lately, I'm reminded of of my first year in High
School when I didn't know the ins and outs, or
how to get to my classes.
Forget having a clue about the social scene..
I looked up to the Jr's and Sr's for clues.
They seemed so with it.
They seemed to have the bead on cool.
I wanted what they had.
In retrospect, it's not what I wanted at all.
It's like that now.
People got stuff I don't.
I look on and my mind says,
"I want some too"
It's not what my heart says..
It knows that the beat I dance to moves me,
but not the masses..

Noise, Internal & External

Internal.
Woke up out of brief dream in the wee morning hours
that went like this:
Location, indoor practice.
Coach has had to step off the floor for a few minutes and
on his return asks how everything went in his absence.
Response from skater left in charge was that everything
was fine once I'd dropped off the pack and rolled into
the middle of the floor.
As in me.
Yes in deed, the pace line worked well as long as I wasn't
in it.
Well..
Looks like my insecurities are showing..
Yesterday I had been blown off my my boss twice.
We were supposed to have a meeting at 9:30am, he
was too busy, so we rescheduled for the afternoon
at 1:30.
He was still too busy.
And totally engaged with whatever he was doing on his
computer, barley looking in my direction.
Since this meeting concerned my job, it was important.
So I thought.

External.
The house being built along side mine is a work in progress.
Day before yesterday an AC unit was installed along the
west side of the new build, which faces the east side of the twin
I live in.
When I got home from work last night the unit was running,
and has been going non-stop ever since.
I am not amused.
It's loud.
If I can hear it from inside my house, in the winter, with all the
windows shut, what's it going to be like in the summer when
I like to have a few windows open?
It's also right next to my little patio area that I put a lot
of effort into planting flowers beds around over the past two
years.
Where, I have spent many the pleasant hour reading and
drinking coffee, enjoying my home and it's surroundings.
My little oasis.
So I thought.

Slice & Dice

Doesn't matter how many band aids I wrap around my
fingers, pre-filing, there will be skin exposed somewhere
and that's where I will get a paper cut :(
Dang!
Filed for 2+ hrs last night and it is gratifying to see the huge
backlog of RO's ever so slowly being reduced in size.
Another month should be all I need to get caught up
completely.
Had my blood pressure taken by the company nurse and
at 116/70 I'm the picture of heath in her eyes.
She asked if I'd lost more weight, which I haven't, but she
has seen me at my heaviest and change is more noticeable
to her since she only drops by every other month.
Attributing the change in weight partly to age didn't fly
with her. No, it's the skating according to her.
My goal is to drop my body fat percentage this year and
tighten everything up.
It's a realistic goal and I see no reason not to accomplish
it.

Sweet Sleep & Other Things

Worked late last night filing and it's going faster now
that I am more familiar with the system.
Fingers wrapped in band aids for protection, MP3
player on and ear buds snug in their place, I'm a virtual
whiz at it now.
Tom-Toms were reverberating up and down the halls
yesterday, softly spelling out an undercurrent of change.
Change concerning my little corner of the business.
Who do I hear it from?
Not my boss, but the outside contractor, working part
time, who is fishing for my position.
A long afternoon meeting between my boss and his boss,
point to the truth of his words..
Cracks me up how some stuff comes down.
I'm not worried.
Wherever I land will be perfect.
Once home last night and after chatting with my son
for a few minutes, I changed into my PJ's, brushed my
teeth, nestled in between the flannel sheets, read for
a minute or two and dropped off the edge of the world,
with a book still in my hand and a light on over my head.
Slept almost straight through till the alarm, and I took
the dark hours like a happy thief coming upon an
unexpected opportunity.
Tired I have been, and cranky, and short tempered.
Sure signs I'm doing too much and not getting the rest
I need.
I've piled my plate to overflowing..and something
has to give, or my health will.
One of the things I'm lightening up on is skating.
With my coaches OK, I'm dropping the fourth practice
in a week that we have one.
For March it will be 3 indoor practices a week and 2 weight
lifting sessions.
Burn out is common this time of year for me.
Hopefully this will keep me fresh and not feeling pressured.
Dad called me while I was filing all day Saturday and among
our chatting wanted to know if it was alright if he bought
me a new bed, mattress set, and the bedding to go with it
for my upcoming 51st birthday.
What was I going to say, No?
Not !
I said, " That' wonderful Dad!"
The one I've been using for the past 4 years came with
the house when I bought it and is from the 1930's I'm
sure.
I'm also sure that the previous owners children must
have been conceived on the mattress..
It is a quality mattress, like the dryer and fridge which
came with the house. All are 30+ years old, and all still
do the job.
They aren't pretty anymore, but work fine.
Now the bed does squeak every time I turn over on my
side, but what the heck.
Don't fix what ain't really broke I say.
I'll be thrilled with a new bed though.
My feeling is, Dad thinks that if I get a new bed,
I'll get a guy friend and have a reason to use something
that doesn't make so much noise.
Dad was quite the stud in his younger days, and thinks
about these things..
LOL
He thinks if I get new clothes, which was my Christmas
present from him and his wife last year, and get my
bedroom prettied up too, I won't end up alone in my old
age.
LOL
God bless him..
He also knows I have my heart turned towards somebody
and is working, in his own way to help me along.
It's nice having a Dad in my life after the long drought
of being fatherless..

Making It Happen

Over this past year I've taken a turn for the better
when it comes to speed skating.
Everyone tells me that I've made great progress, and
have recently reached a new level in my racing.
Can't say it ain't so. Because the proof "is" in the results,
and even being self effacing, I can not deny it.
Fact is I've taken a turn for the better in several areas
of my life.
As for the skating end of things, it's my belief that the
improvement is there due to the coaching I receive,
the non-stop support of my team mates, and selfishness
on my part.
Yes.
I'm becoming self centered.
Focused.
In my training, in what I want my skating to be.
Less of my thinking is about the other guy/gal, and
what they are doing, or what they need or desire.
It's weird for me to feel that way.
Two examples are from the Meet on Sunday.
I wanted to be at the first cone after the start before
the gal behind and to the right of me.
She wanted it too.
Just as much.
And the flashing color of what she was wearing, holding
steady in the corner of my right eye, all the way up the
straightaway, told me so.
Along with her pounding feet.
If it was cookies she had wanted I'd have given her mine.
But not the first cone.
I wanted it and I stepped in front of her with inches to
spare and robbed her of her desire.
And I didn't feel bad.
I felt good.
The second example was after a false start during my
Veteran 500m.
I'd never been on the line at a race and had someone
jump before.
We shot off at the gun, the whistle blew and we all
straightened, rolled out, and swung left and back around
behind the judges table to line up again.
The other two ladies went straight over to line up.
I didn't.
Instead I rolled slowly in a larger arc and they had
to wait for me.
Looking down at the floor I took the time I needed to
regroup, to focus, to still my mind.
There was a brief thought that I might be taking too much
time and I'd make the referees mad, they were waiting
too, but it came and went.
It was about what I needed and wanted, not them.
This is not how I usually do things.
Usually I'm all about service, about doing for others.
Racing and doing for others on a 100m track don't mix.
I read the following last year on Andrew Loves' "Zen And
The Art Of Speedskating".
He had heard it from someone else but I don't remember
who..

"You must race in your own lane, and I mean that
mentally as well as physically".

I wrote that in my journal in August of 2006 and
am just beginning to appreciate what it means.
I wrote this in my journal at the same time:

"Sturdy Girl Racing"

"Eliminate The Fear,
Embrace The Power,
Love The Skates."

So much of speedskating is mental....

Hacketstown Meet

Really wasn't up for this one and wanted to back out.
The past few weeks in my world have been non-stop
action and I resented having to get up at 3am on a
Sunday morning after working 9 hours the day before
and making a 2 hour practice directly after doing so.
Hours.
It just didn't feel like I had enough of them to do
everything that needed doing, including getting some
solid down time to myself to recharge mentally, physically
and spiritually.
Go I did though, because anything less would have
disappointed my coach and team mates.
This was not a race my heart was even close to, yet
my first two races, a 700m and a 1000m, brought me
new measures of how far I've come in the recent months.
No speed queen, but there I was in the Veteran Ladies
700m, right on the back of the woman who has
previously been 1 lap, then 3/4 of a lap then 1/2 a lap
and a 1/4 ahead of me, all year, and all the years before.
Once I even had to slow down to stay behind her on an
end.
With my coach calling out "pass her!" and another teams
coach calling out "set it up!", from where he stood along
the wall, I knew what they wanted, it's what they always
want, it's how they judge performance.
For me, passing had never been the goal.
Catching has been.
Directly behind my friend and competitor was a great
place to find myself, and like a fine meal, was meant to
be savored, not rushed through.
Passing will come as I continue to grow in my sport of
choice.
I have no doubt.
The next race, the Novice Master Ladies 1000m found
me in the same spot, only this time the back I was behind
belonged to some one else.
Another woman I have been behind, far behind at times,
in the past.
Unfortunately for me I fell coming out of the far corner
and it ended the streak.
As we are taught to do. I got up and finished, somewhat in
a daze and on shaky legs.
Later, I was to fall in my Veteran 500m and my coach told me
it was for the same reason as the first.
Guess I've improved enough and have enough speed now
that I need to learn how to stay on top of it and have
centrifugal force work for me, not against me.
Staying low would help matters a lot.
So instead of sleeping in on a Sunday morning, I prepared
my skates, set my alarm clock and made it to another
start line where after the gun went off I achieved another
personal goal.
Not a bad trade for an extra few hours of pillow time..
Positives:
1) I held strong on my starts and did not give it up.
I took it at the cone from the gal behind me who
wanted it just as much as I did.
2) I stepped into the corners and out more often than not.
3) I skated the sides a lot more and there was much less
rolling than the last meet.

So, I would have preferred to sleep in yesterday, but I chose to
do something else and was pleased with the results.
Thanks coach for the pre-meet pep talk!
I did take a long nap when I got home and slept like a rock...

Journaling and Blogging

They have a lot common.
The only complete difference being,
my blog is read by others and my journal is
only read by me.
The last offers more freedom of expression
than the first, but both serve a purpose.
Actually I have this blog and two paper journals.
My second paper journal started last year
when I got more serious about speedskating.
It's for noticing trends, training breakthroughs,
frustrations, what I eat that works, equipment,
and stuff I can't blog about.
After the BRC it's become something of a scrap
book.
Like a kid I was really very excited to find that
many 100's of pictures were taken by various
photographers during Roanoke.
And not just of the big dogs.
Young and old alike were captured for a brief
moment on film and at just about every location
on the floor and off.
And like a kid I was happy as a pig in dirt to find
several of me :)
On the start line, coming around the far end,
on the podium. Very cool since it was the first
time in years I'd seen what I look like racing.
I do have a picture somewhere of my first
outdoor race, at the Debbie Kohl event at T'town
a little over 3 years ago..
All I can say is I've come along way and have a
long way further to go.
Last week I printed out some of the pics from the
BRC, in black and white, and taped them into my inline
journal.
There I am, smile on my face, standing on the
top spot on the podium a few times, and lower down
in the third place spot twice with my relay partners,
Jeff Foster and Jenn M.
I was really very happy.
Yet it wasn't just about winning, or being on the
podium, though that felt awesome, it was about
seeing it through.
It was about not giving up which I was wont to
do even last year.
It was about coming to practice when I didn't feel
like it.
It was about losing 20lbs last year and keeping 19
of them off.
It was about getting out of my warm bed at an
ungodly hour on a Sunday morning and arriving on
time for our monthly League Meets.
It was about not letting the people down who have
encouraged me so freely over the years, who believed
in me when I didn't.
It was about hearing voices cheer for me from the
sidelines during a race like I have cheered for them.
I didn't give up at the BRC.
I got tired and slowed down, I didn't skate my best
in every race, but I never gave up.
Instead I showed up.
On the start line.
Where it all begins..

Rock & Roll

Didn't feel like going to practice tonight..
I was tired when I got up this morning
and even went back to bed for a half hour.
Very unusual for me.
Am I still recovering from the BRC in Roanoke,
or have I just been busy and it's catching up
with me?
Of course, I did go to practice, feel like it or not,
and because I hadn't skated since Saturday,
my feet complained about the constricted quarters
I was putting them into.
Protesting feet or no, I'm still in love with
my Bont 3-points.
One of the best moves I've made was spending
the money I did on these custom boots and I've
never had one trace of a blister or any major
discomfort.
Jumping from 84's to 100's was a snap and I
haven't even begun to get the most I can out of the
set up.
Thursday nights we only have an hour, 8:30-9:30,
but we get a pretty decent turn out for that
late of a practice.
As is done now, we began with skating to
the right.
Disconcerting as it was when we first started
doing it, I like it now and believe we really
will end up having normal paceline drills
going in that direction, just like coach told us
we would.
Not yet though :)
Catch the pack was next and I worked to keep
as close to my competition as I could when we
were called out together.
Imagine, me feeling competitive.
Never thought I would "want" to be ahead of
someone.
Previously I preferred to play nice and let everyone
go ahead of me.
Passing?
Forget about it!
Can't tell you how many times I heard my couch
yell out to me, "Joie! Pass! Pass Now!"
And I would just sit there behind, whoever,
happy where I was.
Over time that position wasn't satisfying anymore.
Then it became a matter of wanting to pass, but
having to learn how to do it.
I was scared out of my mind..
Fast forward over 2006 and I'm not afraid anymore,
on the whole.
If I see the chance I'll take it.
Like tonight when we were doing starts.
I've learned that anything goes once the whistle
blows and before the first turn.
More and more I'm taking advantage of that
knowledge and when I had the cone tonight on
the start line, I didn't let the faster guy to my
right get to the first turn ahead of me.
I squeezed in and took it.
Too bad I fell on my butt coming out of the next corner..
and then he along with everyone else in our group
passed by where I was sprawled up against the wall.
It was great though because the woman who would
never take a chance on the floor is starting to take some,
and in time it's going to pay off.