Pain

There's all kinds.
Physical.
Mental.
Emotional.
Financial.
Spiritual.
Even gas pump pain..

There's minimal pain.
Moderate pain.
Extreme pain.
Off the charts pain.
The pain of childbirth.
And the pain of a broken heart..

I've even read blogs that mention the pain "cave".
A place filled with lactic acid that you willing
climb into for excruciating long periods of time.
I can admire that, from far away.
But climbing in there myself?
Let me ponder that one...

You can never feel someone else's pain, no matter
how hard you try, or, how much you love them.
You can only sympathize, empathize, or, guess at it.
Because pain is a very individual thing.
Some of us do better with it than others.
We do better with one type, but not another.
I guess we are all wired a little differently..

Some of us are willing to suffer for a reason.
Wars have been won because of this.
Battles fought.
Countries born, and broken apart.
Mountains climbed.
Vows kept.
Medals won.

Some people look for pain.
The pieces of their lives made out of it.
Wrapped around them like a coat they are loathe
to shed.
It's what they've become accustomed to.
Having been awash in it for so long..
Life hurts, but it's a hurt they know.
Not hurting is what is really scary.
They can't comprehend being painless.

Once, before the digits of my age turned from
single to double, my life was like that.
Pain filled.
It was all I knew.
The "happy" I longed for, and saw in other families,
well, that's what was scary.
Happy couldn't be trusted.
But pain could.
It was always there.

Then one day, I made a conscious decision.
Either I was going to allow pain to engulf me,
and end my life..or I could fight it.
I didn't differentiate in that moment, between
one type of pain or the other.
I chose to fight, to resist, it all.
And I walked away and into another life.
It wasn't a perfect decision.
I was only 14.

Perspective

What I think is going on, often is not.
What I see, is often seen by others, standing at
another angle, in a totally different light.
What I feel, and interpret one way, often changes
with their insight.
And that changes everything..

Four Day

Memorial Day weekend was utterly gorgeous!
I'd planned it as a 4 day "staycation" by taking
Friday off, and by mid-morning I'd stepped out of
work mode with an inner sigh of pleasure.
"I needed this.."
Working outside in the flower beds, moving this
plant over there, and that one over here, edging,
weeding, enjoying the plentiful sunshine, was a
balm to my soul and added balance to my oft times
lop sided life.

Saturday the alarm went off at 4:20am, and I set
to doing my part of the prep work for the Food
Tent I'd be working with other volunteer teammates
at the first Eastern Seaboard Series race of the
season.
Organized by our own SOS coach, Bob Albanese, it's
been blessed each year with bright blue skies and
loads of happy skaters, some driving in from as far
away as Canada.
Things started off pretty slowly for us but picked
up once the grill got going and the enticing aroma
of the free hamburgers and hot dogs we'd be handing
out spilled over into the May air.
Then it was non stop action!
By 2m we were packing it up and I realized I was
quite tired, but in a satisfying way.
One race down, four to go :)

COUNTDOWN:

Seven weeks.
Seven weeks till my son leaves for Basic training
at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.
Seven weeks till his life, and mine, gets re-arranged
and changes irrevocably.

Seven weeks till Indoor Speedskating Nationals in
Omaha, which I am attending on the absolute cheap.
I am fortunate to be going at all, and have lucked
into two great relays.
One, the Veteran 2 Mix with my very own coach.
He's training and racing again after a long recovery
from knee surgery, which he had to have after a hard
fall at Regionals last year.
Then there is the Master 4 Mix, which is one of the
hottest contested relays at Nationals.
I'll be the slowest one in the group but I'm sorta an
"upgrade" for the gal who had the spot originally.
She hurt her ankle a few weeks ago and stepped down.
Sorry she got hurt, but I'm happy to be able to replace
her, and to have another opportunity to race.

Talent

When I think of talent, I think about people who have a
knack for something.
It's not that what they do is effortless, but there's a flow,
an instinctual understanding of the "doing", and no complex
thought process is involved in the action.

Earlier this week I uncovered a talent.
One that has nothing to do with being physically adept.
Because being physically adept, is not my forte.
As we know, I struggle with skating most of the time.
There is no natural flow there for me.
But I often enjoy the challenge of it just the same.

Anyway, the talent I'm writing about is something most
people who know me, at work, or outside of work, would
never ever guess I had.
Because there is no hint of it in those venues.

My talent, (remember, "truth is stranger than fiction"),
that place where I naturally rise to the occasion, where
struggle is not even in the same room with me, is giving
a presentation to a room full of people, on something I
am passionate about.
What gives most humans shaky knees, and wet arm pits,
flows for me.
Standing at the podium, with the microphone on, I briefly
look down at my typed reference pages, then out to the
space in front of me.
I open my mouth and heart at the same time, and it flows.
Addressing a room full of people, comes naturally for me.
If my heart is in it..

Three plus years ago, my company required us to take a
Dale Carnegie course.
It lasted a few weeks and my current boss and I ended up
in the same nightly class.
One of the things Dale C. has you do, a lot, is stand up in
front of your classmates and talk about stuff.
It can be pretty nerve wracking, and I was nervous, just
like everyone else.
When it was my turn to walk up to the front of the room,
I thought I would freeze up, I thought I would choke.
But I didn't.
Instead I opened up..

My boss reminded me of that when I told him about my speech
Tuesday evening to that group of Foster parents.
He told me he'd been, well, frankly amazed, when he listened
to me, in front of him, during our time in the Dale C. course.
"I had no idea you could do that"
"Do what?"
"Engage peoples interest, draw them in."
"You have a way, when you speak like that, of making people
lean forward."
"I do?"
"You have an honesty, that connects us to you, that makes us
believe."
"I do?"
"Yes, you do."
" ..........."
"But no one I've ever told here in the Company, about your
speaking ability, those who weren't there in that room with
you, none of those people can imagine you having a gift like
that."

Discovering a talent, even if it only comes out once in a blue
moon, is kinda cool.

What You See

Pictures never lie.
I mean really.
The camera just can't make stuff up like my brain
has a tendency to do.

My brain likes me :)
Few cameras do :(

Photogenic?
Nah.

So, I wasn't exactly ecstatic yesterday when I first
saw those pictures, floating out in cyber land, of my
racing this past weekend.
Particularly the first one.
It captured me in a moment going around a cone.

Oh..
My..
God.
Is..
that..
what I look like....?

OK.

I don't skate pretty.
I...... skate funky..
I don't race pretty either.

But I skate, and I race.
And that's a good thing.

Is That It?

After tracking my Doctor down, though he'd promised
he'd call within 24 hours after I went to him last
Wednesday, concerned about how painful my right knee
still was,I learned I have a bone "contusion" on the
lateral tibial plateau of my right leg.
All he told me was the contusion part, I found the
other info on the Internet.
To get even that small tidbit of information from him,
I felt like I was holding him up at gun point demanding
his wallet and car keys.
Early Monday morning I'd finally called the office to get
some information and was told they'd get back to me.
An office girl called later that afternoon to say this,
"Your x-rays are negative".
That was it.
A statement, nothing else.
OK, nothings broken, I'd assumed that.
But why does my knee hurt so bad?
What's wrong with it?
What should I do, how should I proceed?
How long will it take to fully heal?
Nothing.
So I asked to speak to my Doctor.
Hours later he called.
"Your x-rays were negative".
That was all he said.
Me, "Then why does my knee hurt?"
"You were very pain specific in that area on examination,
you have a contusion".
That was it.
No explanation given.
Me, "a bruise?"
A regular bruise?
I went to the Doctor, for a freaking bruise?
Do you know how many bruises I get skating?
And they do not hurt like my knee does.
Him, "Well, you bruised the actual bone itself".
No further explanation.
No what to do now, or how long it will take to heal.
Does he charge for each word he speaks?

One For The Books

We were very fortunate to have Regionals in our neck
of the woods this year.
So close to me in fact, that I slept in my own comfy
bed each night.
Very cool!
As seems to be the norm, my first two Standard races
were not my best.
The first, was a 700m, but I went to the line thinking
it was my 500m.
A dumb mistake on my part.
Live and learn.
Read the program.
LOL
Funny, I've always told myself that I like the shorter
races, but I felt the 1000m ended up being my better
effort.
Simply, I think, because I was more relaxed.
By the time it came around the adrenaline and nerviness
of the earlier races had worn itself out, so I was
feeling tired and sleepy.
Which I'm learning is a good thing.

Sunday was relay day. and first up was Classic 2 Lady
with my Team mate Jenn.
Since Jenn wasn't going to Nationals, we were only
doing it for fun and experience.
It wasn't total perfection, but we both raced very well.
The two glitches I know of are easy fixes.
Focused, I crossed in, stepped the ends and crossed out.
We had thought we'd come in third but we placed a well
earned second and we were both quite happy with that.
Jenn was so happy that she's made the commitment to go
to Nationals this year after all!
Out coaches, watching from the end of the floor were
happy too and it's always a super thing to see those
smiles and hear praise you know is real.
Makes all the hard work mean something, and it feels
very good..
Last relay for me was Master 4 Mix.
Two women and two men, 5 laps each and your done.
Ladies go first.
I was a fill in for a spot vacated by an injured gal
and would be the slowest person on the floor.
My partners were all people I knew, and some of the
fastest master skaters in our region.
Including a multiple National Champion.
The other teams were made up of fast skaters too,
some, very, very, fast.
Thankfully I wasn't very nervous standing in the box,
waiting for my turn to go out, as I counted Tami's
laps.
She was in the lead and we got the first tag.
But after the corner, I was literally thinking "behind"
me, instead of being focused forward.
My mind was concerned about who was coming up to pass,
and for two laps I lost focus.
It showed.
Up to that point I'd been doing a good job of staying
closer to the cones, something I've been working on at
practice, but I let myself be distracted.
That's where my nerviness came out.
It wasn't a total disaster, and I came out of the fog I
was in eventually, but I know I could have done better.
Another live, learn and move on.
Nationals is going to be a blast and I'm really looking
forward to training hard over the next two months!

Regionals

Our pre-National event is this weekend and I have
only a few things I want to focus on.
Head forward, get low, and have fun!
Now is the time to trust my training, remember I'm
not trying to make it onto the world Team, and to
enjoy my friends.
My position is uncontested so I'm a shoe in to win.
LOL
Still, I hope to race well and I'm looking to take a
few seconds off my lap times from last year.
My knee is fully functional, and though I'm annoyed
that my Doctor did not call like he promised he would,
with the results of Wednesdays x-rays, I assume that
is good news.
I know I have bones like iron,they just don't break.
Personally I'm thinking it's a bruise on the top lateral
part of my right tibia, or something to do with cartilage,
maybe a hairline fracture.
None of with would show up on x-rays.
All I know is that is hurts tremendously, with a
capital "T" if I touch with anything heavier than a
feather.
Yesterday there was some odd cracking and shifting,
and on and off irritation going downstairs, but don't
touch it and I'm OK.
Practice last night was light and fun.
There was only one section were I felt worried, but
it passed. and I'm thankful that the worst of my after
crash trauma is over.

Keep On Rolling On

It wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst.
Last night I hadn't planned on doing anything
more than putting my boots on and going slowly
around the floor.
And it's how things started.
There was no immediate comfort level when I
laced my boots on and stood up.
Only discomfort.
Unease.
Off balance, everything happening between the
eight wheels strapped to my feet and the floor
radiated up to my head like flash lightening.

"Danger!! Danger!!! Will! Penny! back to the ship!!!

I was hyper aware to every sensation.
Each one warning the cells in my body of imminent
disaster.
Unsettling me, just like I'd been on Saturday at
Whitehall..

But it was my home floor, and I was determined
to get past the rough patch I was in.
So I joined the pace line.
But when the speed picked up to a fast sprint,
I wasn't ready yet.
I was still afraid.
So I joined the pack when I could and got off
when I needed to.
An hour passed.
Little by little the hyper sensitivity faded.
Eventually I was training again.
It wasn't great, but the worst had passed.
Now I can move on.

Hanging It Up

If you took a vote among the people I work with
everyday, the winner of the "should she still keep
skating or quit" question, quit would come out on
top.
Friday morning I heard the story about when and
why my boss finally hung up his ice hockey skates.
(a game he'd played since youth and dearly loved),
About injuries and responsibilities and the aging
body.
I'd asked for his opinion since he is a respected
Coach of several baseball and basketball youth
Teams.
"You'll find something else to do", was he reply
to my statement, "But skating is a big part of my
life. It's what I do".
Battered inside and outside, I'm a bit spooked.
And that spooked part showed up in spades at
our Team practice today, uninvited,unwelcome.
It held me hostage.
I know skaters fall and break wrists and ankles,
shatter leg bones, chip fragments off their hips
and worse, and that 99% of them begin training and
racing as soon as possible.
I know.
And I didn't bled or even need stitches.
Yet three days ago I had a clear picture of who I was
as a skater, but now, feeling depressed and nauseous,
I just don't.

Nerve

It seemed to take longer than usual to get up after
falling last night.
Sprinting, just like I was doing when I took a hard
one Tuesday. This time I just had to lay there, face
down on the floor.
Couldn't begin to think of getting up..it wasn't in
the cards.
The right side of my head had hit first, SMACK!, a
sound that filled my ears, then down came my right
shoulder and arm, the one that still ached from
Tuesday, and then the outside of that knee.

Something funky is going on with my left foot when I
sprint. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, all I
know is that it causes painful singular wrecks.
Thankfully all those Arnold's I do have paid off with
a bit of muscle on the lateral part of my shoulder, it
protected the bone a bit.
Too bad my knee doesn't have any.
Could hardly walk down the stairs when I got home..
Oh well.
Time heals all wounds they say.

Will it heal the one in my head?
After this fall I didn't feel the same as I did Tuesday.
Tuesday, I'd struggled to get up and finish my laps.
Because you need to finish your race!
Besides, I'd felt a bit pissed about crashing so hard.
Last night, knowing this was a repeat incident, I felt
scared, and afraid. Afriad that it is going to happen
again next time I sprint..and the time after that.
There was the distinct feeling that I didn't want to
skate anymore, period.
So my heart wasn't in the remainder of practice..

We have a full Team practice tomorrow, because Regionals
is right around the corner, it will be a hard one, we will
be sprinting a lot, and the coaches will expect me to go as
hard as I can..
Wish there was more time in between now and then..
I don't think I want to go..

Crash! Bang! Boom!

Focused forward when it was my turn to catch the
pack during a drill at last nights practice, one
second I was flying around the track and then I
was flying out into a full body slam onto the hard
wood floor.
Not sure what shocked my system more.
The immediate pain, or the fact I fell at all.
First impact point was low on the left hip and
next was right below my elbow on my right arm.
Man o' man but that hurt enough that I couldn't
see.
No birdies flying around my head, no stars, just
a black blank screen.
Wondered for a few seconds if I'd broken my arm,
and couldn't stop groaning..that's how much it hurt.
It's the same place, doing the same thing, were I
fell and separated my right shoulder two years ago
and the same place doing the same thing where I
crashed into the door the year afterwards.
On all occasions I was really putting effort into
what I was doing.
Must be dropping my right toe..
For the first time I have floor burn in a place no
man or woman should, so I can't show it to anybody..
LOL
Ouch!

What I Love

There are a lot of things I love in life.
They are in innumerable.
Really.
And sport is one of them.
Take your pick of many.
My focus now is inline speed skating.
Not because I always dreamed of doing it,
or of being on an Olympic team or anything.
Oh wait.
I did want to be on the Olympic Ski Jump Team,
and the Luge Team, and the Bob Sled Team..
Never mind..
But Speed skating?
No, I stumbled into that one,
The reality is I've made loads of progress since
I first put on a pair of fitness boots.
I've grown in the sport and as a person.
The things that I struggled with in the very
beginning, I'm still working on, physically
and emotionally.
Sport is where I find myself.
It isn't always pretty, or nice.
It's often raw and unattractive.
Inline speed skating challenges me in a manner
no other thing in my life does.
Yet I always go back to it, even when I want to
throw in the towel.
It must be love...

Quitter

It's still ringing in my ears from practice
yesterday morning.
Ouch!
If the shoe fits...
I am a quitter.
At least according to yesterdays consensus.
Jeez, but it's frustrating when I don't perform
like the majority.
It's where I stand exposed before my team.
And it bites the big one.
But who wants to sit with people who just spent
20 minutes on the floor calling you, and people
like you, quitters?
Yet they mean well.
It's an act of encouragement on their part.

Quitter.
It's like being cursed at.
It's like being called a loser, without using
the word, "loser".
Yeah, I already now.
They don't need to remind me when I'm struggling
to stay in, that my efforts aren't measuring up.
Do they think I am stupid along with being slow?
I know, believe me.
Take your pick.
Quitter, loser, loser, quitter.
Struggling to stay in is a testament to my quitting
attitude.
But, you never know... calling me out on it might
trigger the hidden reserve I've been holding back.
That's it!
Holding back..
Crack!
I've been illuminated!
Gosh darn it..I've been holding back all this time
and never knew..

New Neighbor

It was going to happen..
The attached house next door was going to
be sold and someone was going to move in.
After months and months of it sitting empty,
and blissfully quiet, the page has turned
and we have a new resident, and the noise
that comes with them.
Bad me, but I was keeping my fingers crossed
that we wouldn't get a family with several
small kids, and we didn't :)
We got a 20 something single guy who works
for an area guitar manufacturer and likes to
play rock and roll..
LOL