Jane @ Five

We chatted for a few minutes just to catch up
and I wondered if it was really necessary for
me to be there.
I felt fine.
Fine enough to cancel my second appointment?
Perhaps..
I didn't though.
It was past time to face what, for me, has been
so hard to look at..
"Feel the fear and do it anyway", how many times
have I done that on a start line?
Many.
Funny, ever since I asked for a healing of what
I've always considered my deepest wound, I have
been shown in multiple ways, and in multiple arenas,
where this issue is keeping me boxed up and stagnant.
Just where it is keeping my life small.
I was paying Jane to help me change that.
To clean out the gore, stitch up the hole, and
send me on my way,hopefully with a scar that would
fade over time.
So later, when tears started to make their way down
my cheeks, she asked where in my body the pain resided,
and once I'd located it,( my heart) to breathe through it.
Inhale, exhale and do it again and again..
Feeling the hurt..not fighting it..
Allowing it... accepting it... valuing it...
"Value" it?
Huh?
That's when the thought entered my head that I
don't want "it" to be gone, that I don't want to
be healed of "it".
I realized in a moment that, "it", the deep pain,
that I am so afraid of, is part of who I am, it is me.
The very seed and foundation of who I am.
Not a wound to be cleaned, stitched and
closed..
No..this thing, this old lingering pain, is something
to be recognized, something to be valued.
Life wasn't fair at all to the child I once was..
Nor is it to about a billion other human beings who live
on the planet..
When I honor and give myself time to feel that old pain,
to recognize it..to own it..I honor and give space and time
to myself..
and then I am very much alive..